Here's hoping that everyone in the blogosphere has a very Merrry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, and a prosperous New Year. As a public service, here are a few hints to make your holiday season a memorable one:
--When leaving snacks for Santa, shy away from the traditional glass of milk. Doctors at North Pole Regional Medical Center report that the Jolly Old Elf's cholesterol is "through the roof", and suggest herbal tea or diet Dr Pepper as a more appropriate beverage for a hundred-something senior with a body-mass-index in the high 30s.
--Mrs Claus asks that homeowners disable their cable/satellite tv boxes so Santa won't be distracted on his big night. She recounted a harrowing tale from a few years back when a suburban Chicago man inadvertantly left the Playboy Channel on the tube and Father Christmas came home four times that evening to badger his harried bride for "holiday cheer"! Needless to say, he almost didn't finish all his deliveries due to the time-consuming tomfoolery.
--Make sure that everyone in the house knows whether the Christmas Tree is real or artificial. Forgetting to water a real tree, or watering a fake, can have disastrous consequences, especially if the artificial tree has built-in electronics.
--Drink holiday spirits in moderation. Remember that different brands of egg-nog can have varying amounts of egg and nog. Christmas morning is a lot more enjoyable if your head is NOT suspended above a toilet bowl or stuck in a lampshade!
--Don't forget pets in your holiday planning. Santa still has scars from attacks by unmuzzled pit bulls and free-ranging chinchillas. Maybe it's the red suit, but the old guy really seems to set off the wildlife.
--Finally, don't give away every dollar you've earned during the holdays. That's what April 15 is for! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Santa Claus a High-Tech Spy?
Reliable news sources are reporting that the Bush Administration secretly recruited Pere Noel to assist the US government in spying on suspected terrorists following the September 11 attacks. A spokesperson for Jolly Old Saint Nick confirmed Santa was cooperating with federal authorities, but insisted he had only turned over the "naughty" list to authorities. In a related development characterized as "chilling" by civil libertarians, the FBI announced it would vigorously pursue those individuals receiving lumps of coal this holiday season.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Patriot Act Stalled
Senate Democrats, aided and abetted by RINOs (Republicans-In-Name-Only) have voted against extending the Patriot Act. Fearful that President George W. Bush may actually be succeeding at fighting terrorists, these idiotic politicians have come down on the side of Islamofascists and their financial supporters rather than on the side of the American people.
US Armed Forces are winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, democratic elections have taken place in both countries, and liberals can't stand it. To the hate-America crowd, the thought of a Western victory over the forces of darkness is too horrible to consider. Just imagine what kind of world we'd be living in if we hadn't abandoned South Vietnam to the North Vietnamese Communists. Maybe we'd have been seen as such a bully that no one would have ever dared attack us again! Oh the horror!!
Most of the provisions of the Patriot Act are modeled after similar legislation used to combat organized crime syndicates. Contrary to the lies being peddled by the Left, judges must OK surveillance, and members of Congressional intelligence committees were advised of actions taken by the Administration. According to Senator John Kyl (R, Arizona), post-9/11 surveillence centered on telephone communications between Al Queda members in the Middle East and suspects inside the United States. Attorney General John Ashcroft never checked to see what books Barbra Streisand checked out of the Beverly Hills Library! He was too busy trying to prevent a repeat of September 11 and finding those responsible for the anthrax attacks (Have you forgotten so soon?).
Maybe these kooky politicians could try spewing their venom at the nuts that are trying to convert the world to their twisted ideology by slaughtering children and incinerating innocent people with jet fuel instead of slandering our Commander-in-Chief during a time of war.
US Armed Forces are winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, democratic elections have taken place in both countries, and liberals can't stand it. To the hate-America crowd, the thought of a Western victory over the forces of darkness is too horrible to consider. Just imagine what kind of world we'd be living in if we hadn't abandoned South Vietnam to the North Vietnamese Communists. Maybe we'd have been seen as such a bully that no one would have ever dared attack us again! Oh the horror!!
Most of the provisions of the Patriot Act are modeled after similar legislation used to combat organized crime syndicates. Contrary to the lies being peddled by the Left, judges must OK surveillance, and members of Congressional intelligence committees were advised of actions taken by the Administration. According to Senator John Kyl (R, Arizona), post-9/11 surveillence centered on telephone communications between Al Queda members in the Middle East and suspects inside the United States. Attorney General John Ashcroft never checked to see what books Barbra Streisand checked out of the Beverly Hills Library! He was too busy trying to prevent a repeat of September 11 and finding those responsible for the anthrax attacks (Have you forgotten so soon?).
Maybe these kooky politicians could try spewing their venom at the nuts that are trying to convert the world to their twisted ideology by slaughtering children and incinerating innocent people with jet fuel instead of slandering our Commander-in-Chief during a time of war.
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