Daisy's New Couch

After her spaying surgery, we were advised that Daisy not be allowed to jump on furniture, at least until the stiches are removed on January 4. Since our little nutball loves to launch herself at our sofa, bed, and every other piece of furniture in the house, it was a real tussle trying to keep all four of her paws on terra firma.
Fortunately, I was skimming the Cabela's (hunting and fishing) catalog before Christmas and came upon an item called "Beasley's Couch". As you can see from the accompanying photo, it really does resemble a couch, and Daisy claimed it as her own the moment we pulled it out of the shipping container.
We hope to use the couch to replace the crate now that puppy is housebroken, especially since she now fills the crate from stem to stern (or should I say nose to tail?). Ever since we first got the couch, Daisy sleeps through the night in it, and that's made our nights much more peaceful. Ahhh...no more 'rattle, rattle, rattle, clang, clang, clang' every time she moves around at night in the crate. Now that's priceless.
I wonder if they have a "Beasley's Dinner Table"?

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a very Happy New Year's to everyone. 2006 is about shot, so I thought I'd hit a few of my personal highlights and lowlights from the past year.

*By far, the biggest highlight of 2006 was the wedding of Gimlet and FroggieGirl on June 3. During a year of some especially bad weather, the wedding day itself was bright and sunny, with mild temps and a crystal-blue sky. The ceremony was well-done, beautiful, and quite touching, and a good time was had by all at the reception Saturday evening. Here's wishing a prosperous 2007 to the newlyweds and all the friends and family who made the day the event of the year.

*Getting to know the happy couple's friends was a close second in highlights of 2006. If you're truly known by the company you keep, Gimlet and FroggieGirl have a lot going for them.

*Another big change for Mrs MercMan and I came over the Labor Day weekend when we picked up our Golden Retriever puppy Daisy. After an extended time since our last Golden passed away, Mrs MercMan and I finally took the plunge and brought home a 7-week-old bundle of fur who is now a 45-pound holy terror. After all that time without a dog, we'd forgotten all the energy puppies possess in spades, and how many times a puppy has to be taken out (especially in the middle of the night!) in order to become housebroken. Still, laugh-a-day Daisy has so many redeeming qualities we wouldn't trade a single moment. Well....maybe a few.

*A new stadium, new players, and a World Championship by the St. Louis Cardinals. The most storied franchise in baseball (sorry, Yankees fans) added another chapter with its amazing playoff and World Series victories over heavily favored opponents. What's not to love?

*Like 2005, I spent a lot of time, and money, acquiring more tools. It's gotten to the point that people think I work at the Sears Hardware store. My prize possession is a Craftsman 2-horsepower, 150 psi, 26 gallon air compressor, along with the attendant air wrenches, ratchets, hoses, and sockets. In fact, it's so prized that it's sitting here next to me as I type this entry! Hey, it's the best-looking piece of furniture we own!

*Biggest bummer of the year would be my surgery for a detached retina. The operation itself was not that big a deal, pain wise, but the thought of losing my sight was a little "off-putting", as the British say. I've always thought of myself as a very healthy and durable individual, but that went by the boards along with my retina. Fortunately ,the surgery went great and I still have my sight, although I'm more nearsighted as a result of the reconstruction. Did I mention the doc says I'm beginning to develop cataracts? D'oh!

*Weather was a lowlight a couple of times this year as well. In July, T-storms and hurricane-force winds knocked out our power for almost 8 days, and a late-November-early-December ice storm put us in the dark another 24 hours. Luckily, our house suffered no damage from either storm, but we've developed a greater appreciation for electric lights, air conditioning, heat, and a working refrigerator. During all that time without TV/radio/CDs/DVDs/etc/etc, Mrs MercMan and I found out we still enjoyed each other's company, even while living in the basement and sleeping on an air mattress. Who'd a thunk McDonald's by candlelight could be so romantic?

As the clock winds down on 2006, my wish for the New Year is peace, happiness, and lots of laughter for all people of good will. For you Cubs, Astros, and Mets fans out there, better luck next time (but not when playing the RedBirds!).

Daisy Turns 11---Weeks That Is

Daisy the Puppy has now been part of our family for one month, and is celebrating her 11th week of life. She is growing by leaps and bounds, and although she sometimes sends Mrs. MercMan and I crazy, we wouldn't trade her for anything. She is shown with one of her favorite outside toys, a plastic flower pot. For some reason, the crazy way it rolls around when thrown, and the number of small holes available for grabbing with puppy teeth, have really endeared the pot to our crazy canine.
Daisy has also discovered rabbits and squirrels, and chases them out of the yard with great gusto. Needless to say, the bunnies and yard rats are NOT amused. She tries to bark at and intimidate the bigger (for now) dogs in neighboring yards, but they mostly ignore the new kid on the block. What really fascinates her are the Mastiff and Great Dane that live across the circle and look like horses from a distance. She only woofs at them from behind her human Mommy and Daddy, so apparently she's learning the rules of survival pretty quickly!

Bubble Boy

This photo is a little deceiving. Although it shows me standing by the Mighty Mercury Grand Marquis, I'm still not able to drive after my recent eye surgery. I've made a few attempts, but with the gas bubble in my right eye, I've discovered how difficult it is to drive using only one orb. That being said, I guess it's clear now I'd never make it as a pirate.
The good news is I am getting better. The eyesight, except for the bubble, is improving every day. My right eye is a little more nearsighted than before, but that was expected and can be corrected with an adjustment in my eyeglass RX. Compared to being blind, it's a small price to pay. I just wish the bubble would hurry up and get absorbed ASAP. I'm tired of being a human level!

Daisy at the Veterinarian's

Daisy the Puppy had an interesting week, visiting the vet's office (Howdershell Animal Clinic) three times in 5 days. It all started innocently enough with a routine visit and puppy shot. Her stool specimen showed an organism called "coccidia", which the doctor explained was fairly common in puppies raised in kennels, and was spread through feces. He started Daisy on a sulfa-drug, gave her a parvo-distemper booster shot, and sent us on our way. Everything was hunky-dory until the next morning.
On one of our trips outside, Daisy stopped to pee, then stopped to squat again, and again, and again. We figure this isn't normal, and call the vet. The office is concerned it might be a bladder infection, and asks us to bring poor puppy in.
The vet asks a few questions, does a quick exam, and diagnoses a case of simple vaginitis, a condition she says female puppies are especially susceptible to. We get an ointment to put on Daisy's... uhhh... affected area. At the same time, she recommends we bring in a urine sample to confirm the diagnosis. We leave reassured,but also a little bewildered. How do you get a urine sample from a puppy that squats down within an inch of the ground? And exactly what makes the dog stand still while you do this?
We finally come up with the lid from a coffee can, and Mrs MercMan trots behind Daisy and slides the lid under her backside just as she squats down. Eureka! Success! Mrs MM gets the sample into a small glass bottle and hurries off to the vet's in order to get the sample analyzed. Thankfully, the UA is negative.
Friday morning, a new problem. Daisy's stools are getting soupy, and blood is mixed in. Another call, another trip to the vet. Fortunately, the stool is now clear of coccidia, and there are no other pathogens found. Diagnosis: colitis, an irritation of the colon. This time Daisy gets a shot of antibiotics, a pill to soothe her intestines, special food (canned), and a form of Maalox! The vet starts joking that they're going to open a "Kyle" wing of the clinic.
Relieved that everything is going to be OK, we decide to celebrate by going out to lunch. Unfortunately, after the vet bills, all we can afford is a $6.52 tab at the local McDonald's.
Thank goodness the week's almost over. Daisy is going to be fine. It's Mrs MercMan and I that I'm worried about!

Ahhhh....the Puppy Life

During recovery from eye surgery, the antics of our new puppy have kept me from going a little bonkers after being cooped up in the house since September 7. As you can see by the picture with this post, taking care of me has had an exhausting effect on Daisy the Puppy.
Luckily, Gimlet, FroggieGirl, and Grandma Gimlet came by on Saturday to visit and break bread, and Gimlet and I went to Schnucks to pick up some stuff for dinner. It was my first real trip out since my surgery, and I started things off by climbing out of the Gimlet/FroggieGirl-mobile and stepping in a big wad of pink bubble gum! I was able to navigate around the store, although I sort of listed to one side like a one-eyed pirate due to my bionic eye.
Mrs MercMan has been handling most of the household/home improvement/yardwork chores since my illness, and is developing a knack for using all my assorted power tools. She's really enjoyed the ability to saw. drill, mow, cut, etc, etc, using various high-powered Craftsman tools, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll have to struggle to get them back once I've recuperated. Still, there's something very appealing about a pretty girl wielding a high-rpm reciprocating saw or cordless drill!

Dasiy In Her Yard

After having to look at my bruised mug on the last entry, I thought I'd post some new pictures of Daisy Mae. Mrs MercMan and I have been trying to break her from the "biting/nipping" stage she's been going through, and we've actually had some success. The dog training manuals recommend everything from growling to exaggerated yelps of pain to holding the dog down to prove dominance, but they were only partially successful. Plus, it looks pretty weird for a 54-year-old man to yelp like Little Richard every time a 10-pound puppy attaches itself to your ankle.
What really seems to be working is just walking away from her and ignoring her any time play gets too rough. Typical attention hound Goldens are, Daisy just can't stand being ignored. She is quickly learning that "bite" behavior gets her left to her own devices, and has responded with much better behavior. It's hard to believe she's only been with us for a little over a week, especially while standing outside in the rain with her at 2 a.m.!

You Should See the Other Guy!

On Thursday, September 7, I underwent invasive surgery to reattach two tears of the retina in my right eye, and laser surgery to repair some holes in the retina of my left eye. The surgery was performed at St Luke's Hospital in Chesterfield by Dr Matthew Thomas of the Barnes Retina Institute, and I am forever grateful for the skill of the doctors, nurses, and technicians who saved my eyesight.
Dr Thomas estimated that the retina in my right eye was within a few weeks to a few months of total detachment, which would have left me permanently blind in that eye. Since patients with a detachment in one eye are at higher risk of a similar occurence in the other eye, he advised repairing the less severe damage in my left eye before it could progress.
The best thing about the whole deal (beside the eyesight thing), was that it all happened "blindingly" fast. I was diagnosed on Wednesday morning at 10:15 a.m. by Opthamologist Sydney Hanish, who referred me to Dr Thomas, who confirmed the diagosis and scheduled the operation for 9:30 a.m. the following morning. By about 3:30 p.m. Thursday, I was sitting in my kitchen in a semi-comatose state due to the lingering effects of anesthesia. I didn't even have time for any drug-induced hallucinations while I was under, which is kind of a shame 'cause I was hoping to meet Elvis. Friday morning, I was at the Barnes Center for Advanced Medicine having my facial skin removed along with the post-operative bandages and eye patch. As you can see from the photo, my right eye looks pretty beaten up. Thank God it wasn't my good side!
I want to thank Gimlet and Mrs MercMan for being with me at the hospital and the follow-up. Knowing they were there gave me great strength and peace of mind. Just the thought of them made it all bearable. I also want to thank Grandma Gimlet for staying at our house, keeping us all going, and making sure Daisy the Puppy didn't have to stay in a kennel while we were gone. And finally, Grandpa MercMan for running me around to all those specialists the day before the operation and offering to help with any household projects that needed to be done.
To anyone who has ever experienced "floaters" in their eyes, or seen flashing lights at night without cause, don't pass it off as normal. I had more than one optometrist tell me that they were "no big deal", and in truth, in most cases they aren't. Only about one person in a thousand who has floaters ever faces the threat of retinal detachment. Still, if you have ANY symptoms, my advice is to see an Opthamologist for an evaluation. Most likely, there'll be nothing to worry about. But for that one in a thousand, early detection means the difference beween simple laser repair surgery and the invasive ordeal required to save me.

Daisy's Fine, MercMan's Not

Yesterday, Daisy had her first visit to the veterinarian for her "new puppy" checkup. This is the same office we took our first Golden, Tinker, to, so it was a bit of Deja' Vu 15 years later. Good news! Daisy the puppy is perfectly healthy. That should be the end of the story, but it's not.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been having some vision problems with my right eye that just weren't improving. This morning, I went to see an Opthamologist who discovered that I have a detached retina! Not only that, but I have to be operated on tomorrow (Thursday) or I'll go blind in that eye within a few weeks to few months. Now that's an attention getter! Needless to say, I'm gonna face the knife.

At least after all that, I got to come home and spend the rest of the afternoon with Mrs MercMan and little Daisy. Thinking of them got me through the day, and will also get me through tomorrow.

Golden's Rule!!

Daisy Settles In

After coming to her new home on Saturday, September 2, Daisy is beginning to feel really comfortable in her new digs. In fact, the bottom picture shows her just a little too relaxed on Labor Day morning after a big play session in the backyard.
On Saturday, Gimlet, FroggieGirl, and Grandma Gimlet joined Mrs MercMan and I in welcoming Daisy to North County. Gimlet and FroggieGirl brought in a BIG basket chock full of doggie treats and playtoys. There was even a bandana sent by adjunct family member Melissa, who wanted our new pup to look stylish while strutting around the backyard. The top photo shows Daisy playing with FroggieToy, which is quickly becoming one of Daisy's favorites. Grandma Gimlet has laid in a supply of puppy snacks at her house so Daisy Mae will feel right at home when she vists Grandma in Overland.
Daisy even received a fancy announcement card in the mail from her cousin Velvet (the world's smartest Black Lab) just as she was first checking out the backyard. She loved it, as well as all the gifts and attention everyone showered her with, and says to tell everyone how much she loves all the members of her new, extended family.

Daisy Comes Home to North County

Daisy Mae Kyle is officially a resident of North St. Louis County, a Cardinals, Rams, and Blues fan, and general all-around sweetheart. Daisy says Hi! to her friends Fipsy, Shmoopy, Roo, Sully, Loki, and her cousin Velvet, and looks forward to exploring a lot more of Missouri as soon as her belly is far enough above the grass to prevent excessive tickling.

Only 7 Days 'til Daisy Comes Home!

Our golden puppy, Daisy Mae, is six weeks old now, and only one week away from coming to her new home in North County. Since we don't have an updated photo of her, I pulled this image from a Golden Retriever website. The fuzzy character in the picture is Papi and he/she is the same age as our Daisy. Hang on Daisy, we'll be there to pick you up next Saturday!!

Puppy Cards!

Since the MercFamily currently has puppies on the brain, I thought I'd post a National Rifle Association Christmas card featuring Goldens and Labs. Even if you're not a NRA member, the pups are still cute!

Daisy is Ours!

This morning, Mrs MercMan and I took the Golden Eagle Ferry across the Mighty Mississippi in order to visit the farm of the breeder of our Golden Retriever pup. It was a fun drive through rolling Illinois countryside on narrow roads often lacking striping or shoulders. We finally arrived at Sievers Kennels, and with the help of owners Gary and Gina, picked our little Daisy from a gorgeous litter of Goldens.
We still have to wait a couple weeks to pick her up so she can be with her Momma and littermates the recommended 7 weeks. She's been chipped, so we can identify her from her siblings, and can't wait to bring her home for good. Unfortunately, we only had a film camera, so we don't have pictures, but the Sievers promised to get some updated shots on their web as soon as possible.
Sleep tight, little Daisy, and get bigger and stronger every day. Know that your human Mom and Dad already love you and can't wait to have you with us all the time!

Our Golden Puppy is 4 weeks old!

The newest addition to the MercFamily turned 4 weeks old on Friday, August 11, and is beginning to look more like a puppy than a wriggley ball of golden fur. Next weekend, we go to pick our puppy from its littermates (that'll be tough!), and 2 weeks after that she'll come home to the MercHouse to stay. Updates to follow. Goldens Rule!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

Well, here it is the first weekend in August. The year is quickly slipping away, I've turned another year older, and we've had one of the hottest Summers on record. How hot is it? It's so hot, mosquitos are only biting sunbathers wearing SPF 40 or above! It's so hot there are actually a few people paying money to see Al Gore's movie about global warming just to get into the air conditioned theater!

Along with the heat, the St. Louis area has also been experiencing a terrible drought that has toasted lawns and caused trees to drop their leaves 2 months early. How dry is it? It's so dry ducks have been using the Clark Bridge to get across the Mississippi, kids are having to use grape jelly on their Slip 'n Slides, and towns supplied by well water are encouraging residents to only wash the "smelly" parts of their bodies in order to conserve H2O! I'm praying for an early snowstorm to break this lousy weather pattern.

*Congrats to British and American intelligence teams for thwarting a plot by Islamic fanatics to blow up commercial airliners en route from the UK to the United States. Airport authorities have banned carry-on liquids as a result of information gleaned from the terrorists' plans to use a combination of common items to create potent explosive devices. Anyone who shows up at a destination with freshly washed hair, minty-fresh breath, or lacking underarm wetness will undoubtedly draw extra scrutiny from airport security.

*Mrs MercMan and I are celebrating our soon-to-be-claimed puppy's 4th week of life, and anxiously awaiting the day our little Golden Retriever comes to her new home. The only uncertainty will be whether we end up bringing home additional pups once we see them close up and in person. So far, the hardest part has been deciding on a name. Killer, Savage, and Kong don't particularly suit a Golden's temperament, unless you're concerned about being licked to death or smothered with affection.

*Speaking of terrorists, Israel and Lebanon may be on the verge of accepting a UN Security Council-brokered deal to end the fighting in southern Lebanon. My only concern is that Hezbollah not be treated as a legitimate party in the Resolution. How does a terrorist organization get the standing to be part of the United Nations? What's next, an honorary ambassadorship for Osama bin Laden? How about an honorary firing squad instead?! How about we dump the UN and start a new organization comprised of democracies? It would be nice to know we weren't supporting a bunch of totalitarian states bent on the weakening of the US with American taxpayers' dollars.

*The nutroots have claimed victory in the Conneticut Democratic primary for US Senate. Anti-war cable guy Ned Lamont defeated incumbent Joe Lieberman 52-48%, but the lefties have been portraying this as a "Dewey BEATS Truman" moment. Funny thing, Lieberman is about as liberal as a person can be, with his one offense being support for victory in the Iraq War. Lamont's sole claim to fame is a call to pull out immediately, which will probably cost him the general election if Lieberman runs as an independent as promised. My only hope is that the rest of the Dems follow the nutroots' lead and swing even farther to the left by November. That's the best scenario the clueless Republicans can hope for, since they can't win by acting like Democrats the past two years!

*This just in from the wire services: French authorities express frustration at the new recommendations to disallow liquids in airline carry-on. Since the French people don't use shampoo, toothpaste, or deodorant, there's really not much impact at French airports. French authorities are touting this lack of hygiene as another example of the superiority of Gallic culture.

*Everybody have a safe week. Remember this immortal line from a bumpersticker spotted on a 4-wheel-drive F250 in North County: TERRORISTS--SMOKE 'EM IF YOU'VE GOT 'EM!

Golden Puppies!!!

One of the small bundles of fluff in the picture is our new puppy. The pups celebrated their third week of life August 5, and in 4 short weeks we'll bring the newest member of the MercFamily home. We're still pondering names, but Daisy and Nugget are among the leading contenders. Only problem we'll face is coming home with a single dog once we've seen the whole litter in person.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

WRRW is back after a two-week hiatus due to the aftermath of two powerful storms that raked the St. Louis area the week of July16-22. During that time, we lost power at the MercResidence twice, the first outage lasting about 12 hours, and the second lasting 5 days. During that span, Mrs MercMan and I learned to live in the basement to escape near-100-degree temperatures, dine by candlelight, sleep on an air mattress, and come to regard bags of ice as a more desirable investment than indexed mutual funds. The amount of tree damage/downed power lines in North County was significant, and greatly impeded the utility crews and tree trimmers who worked long days to get the lights back on. The worst part was on Saturday following the second storm when many area businesses were without power, and finding gas, ice, and food became a real challenge. By Sunday evening, stores were reopened, the lines at the filling stations were gone, and ice(!) could be secured without having to go through a ration line at the local 7-11. After 5 days of living like cave dwellers, we awoke on Wednesday, July 26 to the sound of utility trucks on our street as crews made one last check of the neighborhood prior to energizing our grid. At about 8:50 a.m., the lights came on, the air conditioner started expelling all the humidity the house had absorbed, and Mrs. MercMan and I danced in the cold draft of our risen-from-the-dead HVAC system. All in all, it wasn't that bad, but we are sure a lot more comfortable living off the fat of the land than pretending we're Amish! Thanks to all the folks who worked tirelessly in sometimes brutal weather to get our town back on its feet.

*In celebration of power restoration, I visited Lowe's last Sunday and used the birthday gift card given to me by Gimlet and Froggiegirl to purchase a new router bit. The new attachment allows me to make cabinet doors, drawers, and corner joints with tongue-and-groove edges, and works great in my router table. I had purchased a new Craftsman jig saw during the blackout (hey, think positive, I say), but hadn't gotten the chance to try it out. I had to settle for holding the saw in the dark and making electric motor noises, which is pretty pathetic.

*Staying on the tool theme, I was at the Sears Hardware Store on my lunch break this week and found the 2 horsepower stationary router I'd been coveting for months was finally on sale. I bought it then and there, and that night mounted it in my router table, freeing my combination stationary/plunge router for other duties. The new router is really sweet, and can fling wood chips with the best of them. It's time to invest another small fotune in wood and give my woodworking skills a real tune-up.

*Top news item for the week is our putting money down on a Golden Retriever puppy at Sievers Kennels in Meppen, Illinois. After our beloved Golden passed away almost 20 years ago, Mrs. MercMan and I had often talked about another dog, but it wasn't until recently that we really got things going. The newest member of our family turns 3 weeks-old today, but will stay with her Momma until she's 7 weeks old. In about 2 weeks, we'll take the Golden Eagle Ferry across the Mighty Mississippi to visit our new friend, and bring her home a couple weeks after that. We know that as a typical puppy, our Golden will drive us wacky from time to time, but it'll be awesome to have the house come alive as 65 pounds of lumbering Retriever practices its hunting skills in a 1000-square-foot house. We're already stocking up on tennis balls and Milk Bones!

*By the way, Goldens rule and Labs drool!

*Today, we have a new crisis on our street. I went outside this morning when I heard a couple of my neighbors talking excitedly on the sidewalk. Venturing outside, I saw a large amount of water sluicing down the street as if someone had left a hose running in the gutter full blast. Investigating a bit, I found a small geyser of water spewing from the driveway of the house just up the street. A call to the local water company brought out a tech, who, after much careful consideration, concurred that water probably was NOT supposed to flow from concrete. He marked the area with paint and planted a red flag, apparently to alert everyone that the huge puddle was wet and slippery. We are now eagerly awaiting the arrival of Missouri-American Water Company and the attendant shutoff of our water supply. Did you ever try to bathe in bottled water?

*Everone have a great week, and pray we don't have another utility crisis. I'm ready to get back to normal happenings in North County like grand theft auto and drive-by shootings!

A Dark & Stormy Night!

Last night was a rough one in North County. Since I'm on vacation, about 5 Wednesday afternoon I decided that I would grill some pork steaks, chicken, and brats on the gas grill in spite of the near-100-degree heat. About 6 pm, some dark clouds appeared in the northern sky, a sign that usually means bad weather has skirted the north suburbs and has moved into Alton, Illinois, just across the Mississippi.
Anyhoo, I finished the BBQ and had just settled down to eat dinner with Mrs MercMan when the lights flickered twice and then stayed out. The wind began to blow pretty strongly, and several small limbs blew down in the yard. Tuning in to the battery-powered radio, we found out the ol' Gateway City was getting its clock cleaned by a freak line of thunderstorms crossing the area from northeast to southwest. That direction is directly opposite the normal flow.
To top it all off, the taps began to run slow as the North County water treatment plant lost both its primary and secondary power. Thoughts of using a bush in the backyard danced in my head, but luckily, full pressure came back later Wednesday night.
We finally toddled off to sleep about midnight, but it wasn't too restful with the lack of a breeze and 1000 percent humidity. I woke up several times during the night, most likely because it was so darn quiet. That is definitely NOT North County.
I finally got up about 6 a.m., and a few minutes later, the power popped back on. With another 100+ degree day predicted, it couldn't come back on at a better time.
Turning on the tube, I got the whole picture of the storm's damage to the metro area. The local utility says this storm caused more folks to lose service than any storm before it, and it might be days before everyone's back up.
I'm beginning to pine for those nice, frigid days of January!

A Fuelish Failure

I got the news today that the once-Mighty Merc is in need of a new fuel pump to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Since the pump is in the gas tank, beyond the reach of the average Do-It-Yourselfer, and not wanting to immolate myself like a Buddhist monk, I gave the dealer the go-ahead for the work. It was either that or push a 4000 lb behemoth around town, although the prospect for better mileage and some extensive exercise did hold a certain allure.
I suppose I shouldn't complain. It is a used (oops...previously enjoyed) car, and I did get a heck of a deal when I bought it almost two years ago. I just wish it hadn't happened on my vacation the day before my birthday.
Funny thing, my horoscope for that day said, "You will make an alliance that will elevate your position in life". Little did I know that meant riding in the cab of a mile-high tow truck!
Anyway, by this time tomorrow the Merc will be back in my possession and gobbling dinosaur juice at a prodigious rate. Wow, it'll be great to get back to normal.

FORD--Fixed Or Repaired Daily

Saturday, Mrs MercMan and I loaded up the Mighty Merc and headed to Grandma Gimlet's house where we were to have dinner, view Gimlet and Froggiegirl's wedding photos, and get an early start to my birthday celebration. FroggieGirl's friend and Maid of Honor, Melissa, was also joining us, so we were looking forward to a fun afternoon and evening, safely inside Grandma's house on a scorching St. Louis Summer day.
We stopped at QT just up the road from G'Ma's to pick up the early edition of the Sunday paper, and purchased some PowerBall tickets just for grins. Unfortunately, when we got back out to the Merc, it wouldn't start. It cranked like a champ, but it appears the fuel pump expired, leaving a full tank of gas with no where to go and no way to get there. We walked back to G'Ma's house, wrung out as much sweat as we could, and then I returned to the scene of the crime in the hope it might be a simple case of vapor lock. Ha Ha.
By then, Gimlet arrived in his car and we vainly tried to reset the fuel pump relay in between spirited bouts of profanity. Luckily, a tow truck pulled in to the station and we were able to get a tow the few blocks to Grandma Gimlet's house, where the not-so-mighty Merc now lies mortally wounded.
I guess it could have been worse. We could have been on the highway on a 95 degree day when the engine stalled, or it could have happened six weeks ago during Gimlet and FroggieGirl's wedding. Bummer. Then again, it could have not happened at all. Stupid Ford!! There, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a whole lot better.
Tomorrow, the lump goes to the dealer for a proper diagnosis (I hope!) and a substantial bill. I hear GM's having a big sale on light trucks, and I've always liked the Toyota Tundra, so.................?

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

It's been a while since the last WRRW filled these pages, but that's to be expected when there are a whole lot of things goin' on:
-My son, the QT/computer/brew expert Gimlet, married the lovely, artistic, and talented FroggieGirl on Saturday, June 3 at St. Ann's Church in Normandy, Missouri. By the time our heads hit the pillows early Sunday morning following the special day and a night of partying, MercLady and I were just about unconscious. The recovery from our fatigued state took much longer than we had anticipated, but we expect to be back up to warp speed before the end of the decade.
-I've had a lot of job-related chores to accomplish in the last few weeks.
-I'm getting old and lazy (not to mention crotchety).
-There have been a whole bunch of sales on tools at Sears. Lowe's, Home Depot, etc, etc.
Anyway, now that things are getting back to normal, or what passes for normal these days, I hope to get the column out on a more regular schedule.

*I'm really getting to like my new Craftsman router table. Instead of trying to corral a handheld router spinning at several-thousand RPMs, I simply mount the tool in the bench and guide the wood through. No fuss, no muss (unless you count the choking cloud of dust), and the cut turns out perfect. Woodworking is rapidly becoming one of my passions. I used to collect albums, car parts, and books. Now I collect router bits. Does this mean I'll turn into one of those old guys who sits behind a table at a craft show hawking bookends and birdhouses?

*My son's BMW developed a couple of interesting "conditions" recently. First, the rear shock mount got tired of being part of Teutonic engineering and decided to strike out on its own. It appears it will take the Marshall Plan and a skilled welder named Gunterschmidt to put things back as they were.
Secondly, the engine now produces a tapping noise, sort of like sonar when it bounces off the hull of a U-Boat. Not sure if it's terminal or just annoying, but either way it's got to run a few Deutschmarks to diagnose and treat.
Maybe what really hurt the Germans in WWII was that they didn't buy vehicles from their allies the Japanese!

*MercLady and I are still looking for a Golden Retriever to live at our house. The perfect candidate will be house trained, able to chase off marauding cats and bunny rabbits with a single bound, and star in multi-million dollar movies/tv shows/commercials. Other than that, we're pretty flexible. Note to South County Bear: Are you sure we're supposed to train the dog and not the other way around? It just seems so much easier to let the dog train us. Besides, how much obedience can you expect from an animal when it knows you pick up its poop?

*In a story related to the latest BMW caper, Gimlet and FroggieGirl have a new car, a 2004 Honda Civic. The new ride has a lot of advantages over the product from the Black Forest:
-Hondas have a great reputation for reliability and longevity. I've heard that a Japanese soldier from World War II was recently found on Guadalcanal still driving his 1939 Accord. The windshield was cracked from the US Navy bombardment in 1942, and it needed an oil change, but that was it.
-It uses regular gas, not premium like the Bimmer, and Civics are pretty frugal when it comes to mileage. Man, the Germans lost the war when their Panzers ran of of gas during the Ardennes Offensive in 1944, and they STILL haven't learned their lesson!
-The less money spent at QT on gasoline means more cups of Rooster Booster! More Taquitos! More Hot Dogs! More ice cream sandwiches! This is definitely a win-win situation.

*I have a week's vacation starting today, and my birthday is tomorrow (I'm too much of a gentleman to tell my age, so let's just say I'm "mature"). Naturally, the weather this week will be appropriately hot as hades and as humid as Borneo during rainy season. I'll probably have to spend the entire time inside doing woodworking projects with all my new power and hand tools. As Homer Simpson says, "Woo Hoo!! I hit the jackpot!".

-Everybody have a great week, and be sure to check this space next weekend when I'll be near the end of my time off and in a really crummy mood!

Goldens Rule!!

In spite of the claims by some misguided Lab owners, this picture clearly shows why Goldens rule. What other dog is so beautiful, friendly, and loyal as this big old boy?
I know that owners of other breeds love their puppies and think they're the best, and that's OK. Just remember that when it comes down to a vote, only owners of Goldens can truly and objectively state, without reservation, that their pooch is definitely "Numero Uno"!!!
PS Cardinal's Superstar Albert Pujols is the proud owner of a Golden. Maybe that's the secret to his success: He's so happy that he can't help but succeed!

About the Wedding.......

On Saturday, June 3, Mrs MercMan and I had the very great honor of officially welcoming a new member to our family as our son Gimlet and his fiance' Froggiegirl were married at St. Ann's Church in Normandy, Missouri. I've held off on writing a post re the happy event in the hopes of taking the time to get it right.

The weather was beautiful, like the bride, and I couldn't help feeling a little envious of the newlyweds' start on their life together. It seems a long time ago that Mrs MercMan and I stood side by side in a church ceremony, promising to love, honor, and cherish each other forever. While I wouldn't exchange a moment of my life, I wouldn't complain about being a 20-something again instead of a middle-aged AARP candidate.

As Gimlet and Froggiegirl were standing at the altar, my mind replayed highlights from Gimlet's growing up, from his trip home from the hospital to his first day of kindergarten; from the day he got his driver's license to the day he moved into his own house to the day he and Froggiegirl thrilled Mrs. MercMan and I with the news of their engagement. As I sat there thinking, I wondered if Froggiegirl's father was reliving those same memories of his now grown-up daughter. I'm betting he was, and though one chapter of our lives was ending, another was just beginning.

The wedding brought together more than just the bride and groom. Two families also became one, and that family includes all the wonderful friends who came together at a special place and time to show their support and best wishes for the newlyweds. My fervent hope is that the blessings of that day carry on forever for Gimlet and Froggiegirl, and all those who helped make the day the best ever!

The Router Table Has Landed!

Regular readers of this site know of my love of tools. Hand tools, power tools, mechanic's tools, woodworking tools, you name it, I love it, especially if it's made-in-America-drop-forged-3horsepower-3000 rpm-heavy-duty-etc-etc-etc. Well, today I assembled my latest addition: A Craftsman Professional Series, laminate-top router bench.

I've had a router for a while, but the addition of the bench is just downright awesome! Whether you're rounding edges or cutting moulding, this thing rocks! Just set the bit height, adjust the fence, feed the stock from right to left and voila, perfect edge.

Of course, now I need an additional router to leave permanently mounted in the bench, plus about 100 new router bits for all the projects I've got in mind. Ahhhh....love means never having to say you have too many tools!

Memories in Pictures

I was going through old photo albums tonight, and I was struck by how much time had slipped away. There were pictures of my late brother in his khaki Army uniform, as well as shots of us together when I was just a kid and he was an almost-grown big brother. I also found shots of my two sisters and my Mom and Dad, all taken 40-50 years ago. Can it really be that far back?
There were pictures of me with different hairstyles, from crew cuts to long side burns. I don't think I ever had an Afro, but I did have "love" beads and bell-bottomed pants in the 1960s!
Then there were my and Mrs Merc Man's wedding pictures. Mrs looked hot, and although we were both 21, we sure looked like a couple of babes in the woods. I can't even remember being that young.
Of course, a lot of the pictures featured Gimlet (or as I call him, The Boy!), chronicling his march from childhood to (yipes!) teenager to adult. Our latest pictures of The Boy also feature FroggieGirl, which is as it should be, since very soon they'll declare before God, family, and friends that they are two hearts beating as one.
Here's wishing them lots of happy pictures in the album.

Transmission A-Go-Go!

Saturday, Gimlet and I attempted to diagnose an intermittent problem with Grandma Gimlet's '92 Olds Cutlass Ciera. While driving the car, it would sometimes behave as if it were struggling along in the wrong gear (it's an automatic). The car would shudder as you approached a stop, and would stall as soon as the car stopped moving. Then, after a few blocks of trying to give just enough gas to keep rolling without lugging the engine, things would smooth out and everything would be hunky-dory.
I suspected a problem with the lock-up torque converter, as Mrs Merc Man's '86 Cutlass Supreme suffered a similar malady earlier in its career. Still, I wasn't quite convinced GM would allow a chronic problem like this to go on for 6 model years without a fix.
Anyhoo, Gimlet and I headed out on a test drive, with Gimlet behind the wheel. I ran the passenger-side power window down for a little fresh air, then discovered that said window would not go back up. So far, our drive had not started out on a good note!
We drove for a long time, pausing only at the QT on Page to let the car heat soak and refresh ourselves before the next leg of our journey. After another 15-20 minutes of trouble-free cruising, we were just heading home when, all of a sudden, SHIMMY!, SHAKE!, SHUDDER!, the ol' car started doing its imitation of a belly dancer on speed! After several white-knuckle moments, we were finally able to limp the car home, at which time it proceeded to run just fine. Diagnosis: NEW CAR!!!!
Naw, just kidding, maybe. We're pretty sure it IS the lock-up converter, which we can disable by jacking up the car, putting it on stands, and unplugging its power source.
Now, about that passenger-side window..........

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This edition of WRR&W is brought to you by the makers of power tools that can do serious damage in the hands of amateurs! Hey! At least I have my safety glasses on.

*Midwestern Girl's bridal shower went off without a hitch last Saturday. Even the weather, which included rain, wind, and falling trees, managed to stay away from the shower site. The haul included items from almost every category except tools, which explains why menfolk head for the hardware store while the shower is in progress!

*Alas, on Sunday, another NASCAR race was rained out. Instead of rescheduling the race for the next day, couldn't they just hold off 'til the next weekend and just add the races together? Can you imagine adding two 500-mile races and coming up with a thousand-miler? Wow, it would be like "Road Warrior" and "Death Race 2000" rolled into one.

*In case anyone is still wondering, I actually didn't cut off my thumb as shown in the picture with this column. Truth is, I lost that digit as a child in a tragic thumbsucking incident, and, no, I don't want to talk about it!

*By the way, do monkeys have thumbs on their feet?

*In spite of all their attempts at keeping their native culture intact, I think illegal aliens coming across the Southern US border are rapidly becoming Americans. I mean, they're not even working legally and they go on strike?! That's about as Teamster as it gets! This coming from a proud former member (in good standing, I might add) of Local 618.

*Cardinals' 1st baseman Albert Pujols had about the most amazing April ever. Something like 14 HRs, several game-winning hits, and outstanding fielding are merely padding Fat Albert's already amazing baseball resume'. I never thought another St. Louis player could approach Stan Musial's status in the Gateway City, but if Albert stays healthy, he'll get a good run at it.

*Celebremos Cinco de Mayo! Hasta la vista!

Zoot Tux!

This afternoon, I went to the store and got measured for a Tux for the wedding of Midwestern Girl and Gimlet. Everything went pretty smoothly, and I was finished in about 20 minutes. The suits the happy couple picked out look pretty cool, but I have to admit I was really hooked by the Zoot Tux they had on a poster near the fitting room!
It really is a 1940s-style Zoot Suit made into a tux, complete with the panama hat and two-tone black and white shoes. They even have the long chain hanging from the waist! I tell ya, I liked the thing so much I asked Mrs Merc Man if she'd marry me again just so I could rent the Zoot Tux!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This week's WRR&W deals with the joys of worklife, and is dedicated to anyone who has ever had to work for someone else. It's not a job, it's an exercise in frustration.

*My first full-time job was as a commission salesperson at what was then the world's largest retailer. I sold atomotive parts and accessories, including batteries, engines, transmissions, air conditioners, brakes, etc, etc. It was actually a pretty good gig, and since commission rates in the early 1970s were very respectable, an average person like myself could make a nice living without having an advanced degree or a well-connected relative. By the 1980s, Kmart, and then Wal-Mart, had convinced a lot of shoppers that cheap junk was better than quality merchandise, and that having trained salespeople around to assist customers wasn't nearly as efficient as letting people fend for themselves. Besides, everyone loves to stand in a checkout line for 45 minutes to purchase a quart of oil, especially if they've saved 2 cents! Today, my former company teeters on the brink of insolvency while the junk stores of the world peddle ever more junky crap assembled by slave labor in some "worker's paradise" across the ocean. Now that's progress.

*My current 'career' is in pharmaceutical sales. I know, I know, everyone believes the drug companies are robbing the sick and the elderly with inflated prices while making enormous profits. It is true that some very popular prescription drugs are very expensive, but the industry is not in all that rosy a shape. There have been some major financial failures as medicines that were being developed didn't pan out as the companies had hoped. Bayer lost the cholesterol drug Baycol to recall, AstraZeneca had a couple of expected blockbusters fizzle, Merck is paying out hundreds-of-millions to settle claims against Vioxx, and the industry as a whole is suffering from an oversupply of sales reps, a scarcity of new meds in the pipeline, and a tarnished public image. If we ever end up with a government-run healthcare system, it will be lights out.

*That being said, life as a drug rep is pretty much like any other sales job. Customers don't want to see you, there's tremendous pressure put on reps to sell product at all costs, and on any given day, 20-30 other reps are trying to influence the same people you are. I figure it's sort of like being a leper. Every time you approach someone, they throw their hands up and yell, "Unclean, unclean!"

*Another fun aspect is the monthly ride-a-long with your manager. Several years ago, the day consisted of having your boss tag along for the day, compliment you on your successes, offer constructive suggestions, and buy you a nice lunch. Today, with the sheer number of competitors to contend with, reps are pushed to make more calls, be more assertive (Read: Jerk), and "move the numbers" by just about any means necessary. As a result, the ride-a-long has become deadly serious. Woe be to the poor slob who has a bad day or gets a lot of doors slammed in his/her face. And then, just as the outing is mercifully drawing to an end, you have to endure the dreaded 'Post-ride-along evaluation', or as we in the industry affectionately refer to it as "The reaming". One rep described his boss's assessment remarks as "Nice hair-you suck- nice shoes". Wow, I'd KILL for a great e-val like that!

*The poor image the drug industry endures also means LOTS of people sitting in doctor's offices get a shot at us while we're waiting with them in the lobby. Most folks are very nice, but I regularly get dirty looks, and some people are bold enough to insult you to your face. The fact that we supply them with thousands of dollars of free medicine doesn't mollify these critics, and since we dress professionally and drive new cars, we stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. Of cousre, it could be worse. I could be a pump jockey at a gas station. With $3-a-gallon prices, it's probably a safety measure that very few stations have employees out at the point of sale.

*After all my crabbing, I wanted to end this week's column on a lighter note. There are plenty of people out there with worse jobs than mine: English teacher in France, judge in Baghdad, Cher's plastic surgeon, the list goes on and on. The utter inanity of work was probably best summed up by Will Farrell the other day when he reminded his audience that we celebrate Labor Day by NOT working. I really think he's got something there! See ya next week!!

Loft City?

I hosted a dinner program last night at a trendy restaurant on Washington Avenue in downtown St. Louis. It was a pretty cool place, with a extensive wine list (What, no Mad Dog?), and a decor full of wood panelling and subdued lighting that made for a very intimate environment.
I parked in a garage a block or so away, and as I walked down the street, what struck me was the sheer number of older buildings that are being converted to lofts. Some of the developments are advertising roof-top pools, private parking, and prices in the multiple hundreds-of-thousands of dollars. All I kept thinking was, "Who lives in all these places and what do they do for a living?"
The other things that nag at me are why people want to live in a part of town with no neighborhood grocery stores, very few family-friendly venues nearby, the threat of urban street crime, and the possibility that your investment may not pay off in the long run. Then again, maybe I've just lived in the suburbs too long.
I don't blame the city, or developers, for promoting a product that brings much needed revenue to St. Louis. I just wonder about the long-term viability of this trend.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*NBCs weekly news magazine, Dateline, ventured to NASCAR races recently. Not to film the action on the track, mind you, but to try and catch fans in the act of dissing Arab-looking spectators. The network had photographers follow two Middle Eastern-looking men in the belief that all those southern Rednecks just couldn't pass up the chance to harass helpless Muslims when they outnumbered the helpless 150,000 to 2.
To Dateline's dismay, the two men were not mistreated by anyone, and were able to wander around like any other fan on race day. As Jimmie Johnson, driver of the #48 Lowe's Monte Carlo put it, "I'm proud of our sport. Now, if those men had been wearing Jeff Gordon t-shirts and started jawing at Dale Earnhardt, Jr fans, there would probably have been a fight". Fortunately, NBCs minions didn't know enough about stock car racing to figure that out.

*The St. Louis Cardinals began the 2006 baseball season on a high note, sweeping the 3-game set with the Phillies before losing to Greg Maddux and the Cubs. The Cubs? Oh, the pain of it all!

*Mrs Merc Man and I have been trying to figure out all the nuances of our new iMac computer. Having exclusively used Windows-based PCs to this point, I can't get used to the lack of blue screens and "illegal operations" shutdowns.

*As regular vistors already know, I've been trying to learn woodworking skills. Well, mostly I've been BUYING a lot of woodworking tools, most of them powered. I'm beginning to get the hang of using a router, and once I have the complete $500,000 set of router bits available, I'll be good to go. I also need about half the world's lumber supplies, but that's another story and another small fortune.

*This Spring has had a typical Midwest beginning, with snow, wind, and rain storms that suddenly morph into tornadoes, complete with hail, gale-force blasts, and torrential downpours. I still haven't answered one basic question: Why in the world did our ancestors decide to stop here on their journey for a new life? Was it like, really nice that year?

Never Underestimate the Arrogance of Politicians

I love the story about Democratic Representative Cynthia McKinney and her assault of a US Capitol security officer. McKinney's actions don't surprise me since she's been involved in acts of sheer stupidity for a long time now. What really gets me is that members of Congress don't have to go through routine screenings like the rest of America. Politicians apparently see themselves as better than the rest of us schlubs who basically get strip-searched each time we go to an airport, courthouse, or even some high schools!
A few weeks ago, I attended jury duty at the County Courthouse in Clayton. Even though all the prospective jurors went through an initial screening and were given ID badges, we had to submit to another screening anytime we left the building. Nobody complained, even when we were standing there in our boxers wondering why we still made the detectors beep.
I think every member of Congress should face the same humiliation, except for Ted Kennedy. He should also take a Breathalyzer test before they let him in the building.

New Computer--Take THAT Bill Gates!!!

With the help of my son, Gimlet the All Computerizing, we purchased a new iMac Computer for the Merc Man household. We chose the Apple because of its great graphics and easy to use features, but mostly because we hate MicroSoft. The setup is a little diferent than Mrs Merc Man and I are used to, but with time we should be able to utilize all the software without too much headache.
I especially like iTunes, and I'm hoping to learn more about GarageBand and iPhoto in the near future. For now, we're ecstatic to have a machine that doesn't crash everytime we sneeze.
My only fear is that we'll be visited by Bill Gates, which is what happened to Homer Simpson when he tried to start his own Internet Provider. Gates "bought Homer out" by having a couple of his goons smash everything in the Simpson's house! Fortunately, I have the promise of a Internet Swat Team, known as the 'Linnux Commandos', that they will come to my rescue if Gates launches an assault!

Apple Tree Massacre

Following Thursday night's thunderstorms, I awoke to find wind damage to the apple tree in our backyard. Being a dutiful homeowner with a vacation day on his hands, I decided to go out, save the tree, and "clean up" the overgrowth of limbs.
A couple hours later I had a HUGE stack of branches, busted limbs, and sawdust on the ground, and a skeleton of an apple tree still standing. Every time I cut out a broken branch, I'd find two more with splits, squirrel-inflicted bark damage, or gall. Somehow, the finished product didn't come out like the trees on 'Victory Garden' do.
Come this Summer, I'll have lots of adversaries looking for revenge since the birds, squirrels, rabbits, and wasps all loved the sweet apples that filled the once-numerous branches and sometimes fell to the ground. The biggest problem with lumber is that once you saw something off, it's pretty much impossible to put it back together.
I wonder what you can build with wood from an apple tree?

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*I see the news media have decided that: 1) The Iraq war is lost and the American people's support for the liberation of Iraq is "dwindling". No mention of the fact that the drive-by press has spent the last three years trying its best to undermine our efforts by spending all its time on alleged mistreatment of terrorists, our supposed low standing with the rest of the world, and how Arabs couldn't possibly maintain a democracy. No facts, just brag. 2) Hollywood knows more about how to fight terrorism than the experts in the military and our intelligence services. We've had to endure everything from Michael Moore's celluloid lies about President Bush, VP Dick Cheney, and the "neocons" (code word for Jews) in the Administration, to hearing Charlie Sheen's looney conspiracy theories re 9/11. This moron actually believes the Trade Center Towers were actually collapsed by a controlled explosion, and that the jets that crashed into the towers were not commercial airliners! Maybe something he picked up from Heidi Fleiss' ate the good parts of his brain. 3) Our military is made up of low-rent dropouts who couldn't get a job in the real world. This one is right out of the 1960s, when anti-war lefties claimed that only poor blacks fought and died in Vietnam. When the actual statistics from the military are examined, it shows a balanced mix of the population served, in proportions that accurately reflect the make-up of our nation. 4) Even though Dan Rather's "Guardgate" scandal of President Bush's military service was proven to be built on faked documents, Blather continues to insist the story is true, and his buds in the press continue to cover for him. Maybe they were ALL customers of Heidi Fleiss!

*A combined force of British, Iraqi, and US soldiers rescued a group of peace activists in Baghdad after obtaining information from a captured insurgent (Gee, I hope they didn't violate his rights. After all, aren't murderous thugs entitled to all the legal protections those thousands of Americans who were incinerated on 9/11 received? Oh wait, that's right, they were executed without due process!). In an ironic twist, the pacifists couldn't bring themselves to thank their liberators, instead expressing gratitude to Muslims who had called for their release. Too bad that didn't work for Danny Pearl.

*Hillary Clinton is gearing up for a run at the presidency in 2008. Just what the Democratic Party needs, Michael Dukakis in a dress! Bill felt our pain, Hillary just is a pain!

*Senator Russ Feingold wants to censure the President over the electronic surveillence controversy. I hope so. I can't wait to see politicians vote on a document that sanctions the President for protecting America from Al Queda terrorists. I think ol' Russ is gonna find himself mighty lonely when that poll is taken. As dumb as Republicans are, you just can't top Democrats when it comes to making jackasses of themselves.

*Let's end this week's diatribe on an up note. Here's to all the men and women of the United States military who sacrifice so much while the rest of us live the good life at home. While we're watching sat TV, going to ball games, and buying Hotzi's at QT, they're laying their lives on the line for us. Maybe someday they'll get the recognition they deserve, but I'm not sure we could ever adequately express it. God Bless America!

Justice Isn't Blind, Just Tired and Hungry!

I reported for jury duty on Monday at the St. Louis County Courthouse in Clayton, Missouri. Along with about 150 other Countians, I presented my summons, got my ID badge, and steeled myself for the bailiff's call that never came. Actually, the bailiff did come in once and call out about 25 names, but yours truly was not one of the chosen.
The rest of the day was spent reading a novel, getting up and walking around, commiserating with my fellow juror wannabe's, and buying snacks from the vending machines (I never knew I could eat that many peanut-butter crackers in the course of 8 hours). We did get to leave the jury assembly room for lunch, and in spite of the cold weather and blustery wind, I managed to waddle down to a little eatery on Bemiston called "The Market Bistro", where I got the best Taco salad I'd ever eaten.
Unfortunately, when I got back to the courthouse, I kept tripping the metal detector until I was about down to just my boxers and a smile before the damn thing stopped going "Bing!" every time I stepped through it. I made it back to the juror's room with time to spare, but it was touch and go for a while.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful, to the point that when they finally released us at 4 p.m. we had to wake some of our fellows up so they could vacate the building before lockdown.
All in all, I'm glad I got the experience, but as long as I was there, it would have been nice to at least be interviewed for a case. Oh well, at least I made $10 for the day. Of course, I spent $15 dollars on lunch and junk food. Who says Justice is blind? Obviously, it's tired and hungry!

Trim Saw

I was at Sears at Mid Rivers Mall yesterday, cruising the hardware department while Mrs Merc Man and Grandma Gimlet searched the stores for bargains. I had won a AMEX gift card at my company's sales meeting, and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate my good fortune than by puchasing a new power tool. After much contemplation and drooling, I settled on a cordless, 19.2 -volt, 5 1/2-inch, Craftsman trim saw. Sweet! It runs up to 4500 rpm (no load speed) and is the perfect size for cutting molding, trim, etc, without the weight and hassle of a bigger, corded saw.
Only problem is, while searching for the perfect addition to my tool collection, I spied about 43 other must-have items that I don't currently own. To keep myself from becoming too despondent over that issue, I stopped at Borders to look around and stumbled on a CD of Marty Robbins' named "Gunfighter Ballads" that replaces an old LP I wore out after repeated playings. It is probably the best collection of cowboy-type songs ever, and was originally recorded in 1959.
Alas, Mrs Man and Grandma G came back empty handed. As for me, it was one of the best shopping experiences ever.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This week's WRR&W will use a slightly different, and goofier, format. Mostly, it will involve my asking a lot of questions that may or may not have answers. Here goes:

*Do you think Master Carpenter and host of "New Yankee Workshop" Norm Abrams ever sneaks into his workshop late at night, turns on all the bazillions of power tools there and starts ripping, sawing, and shaping wood without wearing safety glasses or hearing protection while buzzed on Sam Adams beer?

*How come every social problem can only be corrected by spending more money on it? Do you think we'll ever hear a public official or school administrator say that more money won't change a thing?

*Why hasn't evolution created a bird smart enough not to fly into windows or build its nest in a rain gutter?

*Will the new Busch Stadium be a hitter's or a pitcher's ballpark? Will I need a cosignor to afford a beer and bratwurst at the new park? How long before "new" Busch becomes just "Busch"? Who will hit the first homer in the new stadium? (Hope it's not a Cub or a Met--yechhh!)

*Isn't it ironic that a virus that attacks birds is called "flu"?

*Did Hitler have anybody check the reliability records of vehicles built in Germany
before embarking on world conquest?

*Who will the St. Louis Rams play in the Super Bowl?

*Who gives a rats patootie for any more silly questions?

Peace Out!

Oi! What a Week I'm Having!

I tell ya, this just isn't my week. I was all set to host a roundtable discussion involving several of the most important doctors in my territory Tuesday night at a trendy wine bar on Washington Avenue. I had been working on this program since last November. Everything was on track until Monday night when one doctor's son became quite ill. After about two dozen frantic phone calls, I managed to cancel the program until the young man gets better. By then my ulcer was going full bore and my head was thumping. The way my luck's been going lately, the young patient is probably lucky I'm not getting close enough to his Dad to jinx his recovery!

Today, I went to discuss another possible program with a physician who has a large number of home-care patients. Problem is, this doctor's first language isn't English and it is sometimes difficult to understand him, especially when he's excited. Did I mention he's almost always hyper? I waited over an hour to see him, and then got stuck trying to figure out what the heck he was saying for another hour. By the time I left his office, my head was spinning, my gut was churning, and I was dreaming of a nice quiet job guarding plutonium in Siberia! His office is in South St. Louis, so I got the added joy of trying to get past the Hwy 40/I-170 exchange in a downpour without being T-Boned by a hydro-planing semi. Ahhh..the glamorous life of a drug rep. I wonder if they have drug reps in Siberia?

Strangely enough, a few weeks ago my horoscope (Sign: Cancer) said I was coming out of a low period and heading toward a real high spot. Great!!! Maybe I can throw myself off. Question: What moron decided to give July the crab as its astrological sign? It's like all the good signs had already been claimed and July got bottom of the barrel! Why couldn't my sign have been something cool like a shark, an eagle, or even a freakin' unicorn? Anything but a crab!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Bought a new TV on President's Day in honor of President Sony. It's a 24-inch flat screen to replace an ancient 19-inch Sears that was made sometime during the first term of Ronald Reagan. All we have so far are rabbit ears, so until we either get cable or sat TV, we aren't quite sure of just how good the picture is on our new set.

*I also received the videos I ordered from the New Yankee Workshop re building a home library system and a garden bench. Now all I need is a 2500-square-foot workshop and the million dollars in power tools it will take to equip it. Somewhere on the East Coast, Norm Abrams is laughing all the way to the bank!

*Jimmy Johnson won the 2006 Daytona 500 amid allegations that his suspended crew chief is a cheat. The #48 Lowe's Monte Carlo has been a consistent contender over the last 3 seasons, and some people are concerned that unfair advantage has played a major role in the team's success. You'll notice that my man Tony Stewart (the #20 Home Depot car) has not been tainted by such charges. Tony is so busy mixing it up with other cars/drivers both on and off the track he doesn't have time to resort to illegal tactics!

*Tomorrow I'll be attending a birthday party for a 12-year-old black labrador retriever named Velvet. I know that sounds a little cornball, but this dog is so well trained and so good-hearted she trumps about 90% of the people I come in contact with each day. As a good friend of mine once said, "The more I deal with people, the better I like dogs!".

*The United States has killed another high-ranking Al Queda officer. No muss, no fuss, no arguing over how to treat prisoners. It sounds like a few well-placed shots or Hellfire missiles is the answer to all our legal wranglings!

*The United States Olympic Team has had a tough go in Turin. It got especially embarassing in the bobsled competition when officials found the NASCAR-designed American sled was running a hidden tank full of moonshine. I think having the name "White Lightning" on the sleigh wasn't
the smartest move. The rebel flag didn't help either!

Blind Justice...Literally!!!

I received a letter in the mail the other day from St. Louis County inviting me, under penalty of law, to participate in the application of justice known as jury duty. It's only for a couple of days unless I actually end up on a case that carries on longer than that. Apparently, the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but it would be an interesting experience. To prepare, I've been reading "12 Angry Men" by Arthur Miller, and "I, Jury" by Mickey Spillane, plus watching all the Simpsons episodes starring Lionel Huts and the Seinfeld shows featuring Jackie Chiles!
Order In The Court!! Here Come 'da Judge!

Just Send Us Your Coordinates!

Osama bin Laden says he will not be taken alive, and we would be more than happy to oblige!
BOMBS AWAY!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Democrats are calling for Vice President Dick Cheney to resign after being involved in a hunting accident last week. Republican charges of a double standard went unheeded after Mary Jo Kopechne could not be reached for comment.

*Olympic skater Michelle Kwan pulled out of the Winter Games in Turin, Italy after reinjuring herself in practice. She's taken a fair amount of heat from fans who feel she should have stepped aside earlier during Olympic Trials. I guess the fact that the Games come only once every four years puts a lot of pressure on world-class athletes to compete while still in their prime.

*US downhill skier Bode Miller fell short of his boasts to dominate events in Italy. Known for his "unorthodox" training regimen which includes a heapin' helpin' of partying, Miller got crossed up on the slopes when he couldn't figure out which course was the real one and which were part of his hangover! In another event, Miller crashed into a gate and ran off the course. Maybe he should keep quiet for a while.

*A big round of applause for American speed skater Shani Davis, who becomes the first black man to win a gold medal in the Winter Games. Davis had been criticized mildly for not participating in an earlier team event, but explained he was afraid the extra competition would weaken him in the 1000 meters. Looks like his strategy paid off as Americans finished 1-2 in the event!

*In the "Agony of Defeat" category, US women's snowboarder Lindsay Jacobellis was way ahead of the second-place Swiss boarder in the Women's Snowboardcross. When she tried to pull a fancy finish to seal her victory, she tripped and fell, handing the gold to her opponent. Jacobellis was able to get back up to gain a silver medal, but her greatest claim to fame will be the mistake that kept her off the top step of the award podium. I wonder if she'll replace the crashing ski jumper in the opening shot of ABCs 'Wide World of Sports'?

*Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the Middle East. Rumor has it Mr Clinton had to ask the State Department to defuse a potential international crisis when he was caught with a bag of pork rinds and a dog-eared copy of Penthouse Letters while in Saudi Arabia. The situation became even more inflamed when it was discovered he had purchasef the items in Denmark!

*My son celebrated his 29th birthday this week in true adult fashion: He worked, fought through an upper respiratory thingy, and put up with his parents' phone calls. Our birthday wish for him is to never check the oil in his car after hearing a noise and have the tech say, "I can't read anything on the dipstick!", always find sufficient cash in his wallet when at a restaurant, have a career so successful he'll get to see a lot of his bosses be fired, and, finally, not put his parents in a home featured on 60 Minutes when the senility really kicks in!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Congrats to the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers for their Super Bowl victory over the Seattle Seahawks. With all the sloppy play, bad officiating, and poor game-time management, it looked more like a high-school JV contest, but I'm sure Steelers Coach Bill Cower and the rest of Steeleville will take a win no matter how it happens.

*The lady who is my territory partner in the pharmaceutical rep business got quite a scare this week. Her 20-month-old son had a severe allergic reaction to peanuts while at the babysitters, and had to be rushed to the hospital! Apparently, the little guy was enjoying some breakfast cereal that contained peanuts when he suddenly started swelling up like a balloon. Since this was the first incidence, nobody knew what the heck was going on. Luckily, the babysitter was quick to get help and what could have been a tragedy was averted with no permanent damage, except to the nerves of my friend, her husband, and one very shaken babysitter. Add to the mix that my colleague is also 7 months pregnant, and it's really a blessing that nothing else happened! The toughest thing is that the little boy will have to avoid any contact with peanuts from now on, and from what the dietician told my partner, a lot of things you'd never suspect can be dangerous for him to eat or even be around.

*Why is it you don't hear about people being allergic to carrots, or saurkraut, or broccoli? Wouldn't it be great to hear your doctor say, "I'm recommending that you restrict your diet to pizza, ice cream, and White Castles, all complimented by large quantities of adult beverages"?

*My wife and I are in the process of picking out a new PC to replace the stone-age model we presently curse and kick every day. Since I'm basically computer ignorant, this has become a rather hilarious venture. I scan the ads each week, and visit the different suppliers' websites in search of the Holy Grail. I usually discriminate by price since perusing the technical specifications is like reading hieroglyphics! As if the basic packages aren't hard enough for me to follow, there are always dozens of 'upgrades' offered, like built-in cameras, or laser framistats. Maybe Dell, eMachines, or one of the other computer companies could come up with a basic, one-price-for-the-whole-mess PC just for the techno-impaired web surfer. They could call it the 'Dumbass Special' or something like that.

*I've been home from my trip to the Southern California desert for about 2 weeks now, so my allergies and sinus headaches are back in full force. You don't realize how bad you feel living in the mold and allergen center of the country until you visit someplace else and realize a lot of people don't live on Sudafed, Primatene, and aspirin each day. I guess there are drawbacks to living on the Left Coast, but even if an earthquake eventually killed me, at least I'd die with a dry handkerchief in my pocket!

*Is it baseball season yet? GO CARDS!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*It's Super Bowl weekend! If history is any guide, the half-time show will suck (as old as the Rolling Stones are, I half expect to see them come out on oxygen), the commercials will not be worth the $$$s spent on them, and one team will dominate the game from start to finish. Columnist George Will had the best observation: Once the Super Bowl is over, baseball Spring Training is just around the corner. Go Cards!!

*I'm getting a little more used to my new tablet computer. I only wish it was a little less bulky to lug around all day as I travel from one doctor's office to another. 4 1/2 pounds doesn't sound like a lot to carry, but when you add it to the weight of samples, my detail pieces, and all the clinical reprints I drag along, we're talking hefty. What I really need is one of those electric carts like people use at the supermarket. Especially if it has lights and a horn! Ahhh-ooooo-gaaa!!!

*I think I may be in trouble with the Man above. For several weeks now, my left foot swells up and gets awful sore after a day of walking on it. In my prayers, I've been asking that my foot be more like the other one. Problem is, now BOTH of my feet swell up and hurt. Either I'm not a very good spiritual communicator or God has a funny sense of humor!

*My company's national sales meeting was held in Palm Springs, California last week, and it was my first real trip to the desert. I think I could get used to the 70+ temps in the daytime, but it gets pretty cool at night. I'm guessing it gets toasty in the Summer, but that dry air (22% humidity compared to 1000% in St. Louis) sure did help my allergies. On the plane ride home, we had a layover in Dallas. By the time my group got back on the plane, we were all sneezing, coughing, and pretty much back to our normal, miserable selves. Welcome back to Middle America.

*The big debate here in the Gateway City lately has been the proposal to upgrade Highway 40. One of the suggested plans was to shut the entire roadway during repair, which would have pretty much paralyzed a big part of the metro area. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the new idea is to shut down one portion of the highway at a time. Whichever plan is finally approved, traffic will probably be a nightmare for a looonnggg time.

New Computers

The pharma company I work for just switched from a small, PDA-sized field computer to a much larger, and heavier, tablet manufactured by Fujitsu.
Before we received these new units, we were told how much faster they were, and how they'd make us more effective in the field. Now, on the second day we've used them, they're crashing faster than a Russian airliner.
They are also 4.5 lbs and not much smaller than a laptop, so you can't carry them in your pocket or hold them in one hand. Obviously, the genius at Home Office who bought this bill of goods never worked as a field rep.
I find myself longing for the glory days of paper receipts and no cell phones!

Bomba Osama!

It seems that the world's leading Islamofascist has been reading US opinion polls. Osama bin Laden is now offering the United States a "long-term truce" if only we'll stop dismembering Al Queda and wiping out his followers around the globe. Maybe the Predator drones that recently took out some of his murderous fellow travelers in Pakistan got a little too close to the madman himself. The only thing President Bush wants from Osama are his coordinates!

While Hillary Clinton insults black Americans on Martin Luther King Day, Ted Kennedy fights to preserve the right of women to have sex with men they wouldn't have a baby with, and Harry Belafonte throws in with Stalinist dictators in South America, US troops and our coalition partners are relentlessly hounding the terrorists who threaten Western civilization.

US Marines, Sailors, Airmen, and GIs are performing brilliantly against a sadistic enemy who wears no uniform, hides among, and murders, innocent men, women, and children, and believes in a fanatic ideology of hate and intolerance.

Sooner or later, Osama will be dragged from a rathole with a hole in his head or else be blasted to smithereens by a bomb smarter than he is. I can't wait to see the polls on that one!

March of the Penguins

For Christmas, my son and his fiancee gave my wife a copy of the movie, 'March of the Penguins'. After watching it, I have to say it is one of the most remarkable films I have seen in my 50+ years on Spaceship Earth.
It's the story of how the Emperor Penguin travels by land to a breeding ground some 70 miles from the sea to hatch the next generation of sea birds. This remarkable journey takes place during Winter in the most hostile environment on earth, where temperatures can fall to minus 100 degrees and storms may produce winds of up to 100 miles per hour! Mother and Father share the parenting chores, which include balancing the fragile egg on their feet to prevent the chick from freezing in the terrible Antarctic cold. Males go months without food, and may lose up to half their body weight.
The only thing these animals have to protect themselves from the bitter cold is their combined mass as they huddle together. The scenes of these poor creatures enduring howling winds is awesome, and their honking cries seem out of the dawn of time. All this drama takes place far from human eyes, except for some truly brave, and crazy, French filmakers who endured the weather to tell the Emperor Penguins' story of survival despite the odds.
This is one of those movies that leaves you speechless at its conclusion, and the images have stayed with me. I would recommend this movie to everyone: young and old, nature lover or not, spiritual or atheist. It's just too magnificent a story to miss.

Runaway Router

I got a new Craftsman 'Professional Series' router for Christmas, and so far it's been the toughest of my power tools to master. The router bit (the part that actually cuts the wood) spins at around 3000 rpm, so when it comes in contact with wood, it wants to take off like an out-of-balance washing machine walking across the basement floor!
Most of the woodworking magazines recommend using a jig (basically a guide made from strips of scrap wood) to keep the errant tool from taking off on its own, and that looks like the way I'll have to go. No wonder those magazines spend more time and effort on showcasing all kinds of jigs than they do completing the actual project.
By the way, routers really throw wood chips and sawdust, so like Norm Abrams says, "There are no more important safety equipment than these---safety glasses!

Merry Christmas! Now, Out of my way or I'll stomp you!!!

We took down the tree today, and the outside lights were removed yesterday (Sunday). All in all, it was a good holiday season, even if it did go by way too fast. Having 9 days break was awesome, and getting extra time to spend with family really contrasts with the days I spent in retail where you were lucky if you got Christmas Day off!
Seeing the day-after-Christmas footage of shoppers shoving, slugging, and trampling their way through the stores and malls really brought back memories--most of them painful. It's sobering to see normally(?) rational(?)(?)people turn into Russell Crowe with a telephone when somebody dangles a piece of half-price Chinese electronics in front of them. In my day, I've seen people fight over Cabbage Patch dolls, Atari Pac Man cartridges, and complimentary donuts (seeing a group of senior citizens knock each other down for a jelly roll was definitely the highlight of my retail career!).

Kicking Off the New Year

Had a really weird beginning to the New Year at work. The pharma company I work for shut down for the week between Christmas and New Year's. So far, so good. Either through a home-office mess up or miscalculation, they had us back to work today (Monday, January 2), even though it's actually the legal holiday. Every doctor's office I contacted was closed, which makes it hard to sell product when there's nobody there! The one upside to the entire day was the fact that parking was not a problem. Like the old adage says, when the world hands you lemons, you better have salt and tequila on hand!