Golden Puppies!!!

One of the small bundles of fluff in the picture is our new puppy. The pups celebrated their third week of life August 5, and in 4 short weeks we'll bring the newest member of the MercFamily home. We're still pondering names, but Daisy and Nugget are among the leading contenders. Only problem we'll face is coming home with a single dog once we've seen the whole litter in person.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

WRRW is back after a two-week hiatus due to the aftermath of two powerful storms that raked the St. Louis area the week of July16-22. During that time, we lost power at the MercResidence twice, the first outage lasting about 12 hours, and the second lasting 5 days. During that span, Mrs MercMan and I learned to live in the basement to escape near-100-degree temperatures, dine by candlelight, sleep on an air mattress, and come to regard bags of ice as a more desirable investment than indexed mutual funds. The amount of tree damage/downed power lines in North County was significant, and greatly impeded the utility crews and tree trimmers who worked long days to get the lights back on. The worst part was on Saturday following the second storm when many area businesses were without power, and finding gas, ice, and food became a real challenge. By Sunday evening, stores were reopened, the lines at the filling stations were gone, and ice(!) could be secured without having to go through a ration line at the local 7-11. After 5 days of living like cave dwellers, we awoke on Wednesday, July 26 to the sound of utility trucks on our street as crews made one last check of the neighborhood prior to energizing our grid. At about 8:50 a.m., the lights came on, the air conditioner started expelling all the humidity the house had absorbed, and Mrs. MercMan and I danced in the cold draft of our risen-from-the-dead HVAC system. All in all, it wasn't that bad, but we are sure a lot more comfortable living off the fat of the land than pretending we're Amish! Thanks to all the folks who worked tirelessly in sometimes brutal weather to get our town back on its feet.

*In celebration of power restoration, I visited Lowe's last Sunday and used the birthday gift card given to me by Gimlet and Froggiegirl to purchase a new router bit. The new attachment allows me to make cabinet doors, drawers, and corner joints with tongue-and-groove edges, and works great in my router table. I had purchased a new Craftsman jig saw during the blackout (hey, think positive, I say), but hadn't gotten the chance to try it out. I had to settle for holding the saw in the dark and making electric motor noises, which is pretty pathetic.

*Staying on the tool theme, I was at the Sears Hardware Store on my lunch break this week and found the 2 horsepower stationary router I'd been coveting for months was finally on sale. I bought it then and there, and that night mounted it in my router table, freeing my combination stationary/plunge router for other duties. The new router is really sweet, and can fling wood chips with the best of them. It's time to invest another small fotune in wood and give my woodworking skills a real tune-up.

*Top news item for the week is our putting money down on a Golden Retriever puppy at Sievers Kennels in Meppen, Illinois. After our beloved Golden passed away almost 20 years ago, Mrs. MercMan and I had often talked about another dog, but it wasn't until recently that we really got things going. The newest member of our family turns 3 weeks-old today, but will stay with her Momma until she's 7 weeks old. In about 2 weeks, we'll take the Golden Eagle Ferry across the Mighty Mississippi to visit our new friend, and bring her home a couple weeks after that. We know that as a typical puppy, our Golden will drive us wacky from time to time, but it'll be awesome to have the house come alive as 65 pounds of lumbering Retriever practices its hunting skills in a 1000-square-foot house. We're already stocking up on tennis balls and Milk Bones!

*By the way, Goldens rule and Labs drool!

*Today, we have a new crisis on our street. I went outside this morning when I heard a couple of my neighbors talking excitedly on the sidewalk. Venturing outside, I saw a large amount of water sluicing down the street as if someone had left a hose running in the gutter full blast. Investigating a bit, I found a small geyser of water spewing from the driveway of the house just up the street. A call to the local water company brought out a tech, who, after much careful consideration, concurred that water probably was NOT supposed to flow from concrete. He marked the area with paint and planted a red flag, apparently to alert everyone that the huge puddle was wet and slippery. We are now eagerly awaiting the arrival of Missouri-American Water Company and the attendant shutoff of our water supply. Did you ever try to bathe in bottled water?

*Everone have a great week, and pray we don't have another utility crisis. I'm ready to get back to normal happenings in North County like grand theft auto and drive-by shootings!

A Dark & Stormy Night!

Last night was a rough one in North County. Since I'm on vacation, about 5 Wednesday afternoon I decided that I would grill some pork steaks, chicken, and brats on the gas grill in spite of the near-100-degree heat. About 6 pm, some dark clouds appeared in the northern sky, a sign that usually means bad weather has skirted the north suburbs and has moved into Alton, Illinois, just across the Mississippi.
Anyhoo, I finished the BBQ and had just settled down to eat dinner with Mrs MercMan when the lights flickered twice and then stayed out. The wind began to blow pretty strongly, and several small limbs blew down in the yard. Tuning in to the battery-powered radio, we found out the ol' Gateway City was getting its clock cleaned by a freak line of thunderstorms crossing the area from northeast to southwest. That direction is directly opposite the normal flow.
To top it all off, the taps began to run slow as the North County water treatment plant lost both its primary and secondary power. Thoughts of using a bush in the backyard danced in my head, but luckily, full pressure came back later Wednesday night.
We finally toddled off to sleep about midnight, but it wasn't too restful with the lack of a breeze and 1000 percent humidity. I woke up several times during the night, most likely because it was so darn quiet. That is definitely NOT North County.
I finally got up about 6 a.m., and a few minutes later, the power popped back on. With another 100+ degree day predicted, it couldn't come back on at a better time.
Turning on the tube, I got the whole picture of the storm's damage to the metro area. The local utility says this storm caused more folks to lose service than any storm before it, and it might be days before everyone's back up.
I'm beginning to pine for those nice, frigid days of January!

A Fuelish Failure

I got the news today that the once-Mighty Merc is in need of a new fuel pump to the tune of hundreds of dollars. Since the pump is in the gas tank, beyond the reach of the average Do-It-Yourselfer, and not wanting to immolate myself like a Buddhist monk, I gave the dealer the go-ahead for the work. It was either that or push a 4000 lb behemoth around town, although the prospect for better mileage and some extensive exercise did hold a certain allure.
I suppose I shouldn't complain. It is a used (oops...previously enjoyed) car, and I did get a heck of a deal when I bought it almost two years ago. I just wish it hadn't happened on my vacation the day before my birthday.
Funny thing, my horoscope for that day said, "You will make an alliance that will elevate your position in life". Little did I know that meant riding in the cab of a mile-high tow truck!
Anyway, by this time tomorrow the Merc will be back in my possession and gobbling dinosaur juice at a prodigious rate. Wow, it'll be great to get back to normal.

FORD--Fixed Or Repaired Daily

Saturday, Mrs MercMan and I loaded up the Mighty Merc and headed to Grandma Gimlet's house where we were to have dinner, view Gimlet and Froggiegirl's wedding photos, and get an early start to my birthday celebration. FroggieGirl's friend and Maid of Honor, Melissa, was also joining us, so we were looking forward to a fun afternoon and evening, safely inside Grandma's house on a scorching St. Louis Summer day.
We stopped at QT just up the road from G'Ma's to pick up the early edition of the Sunday paper, and purchased some PowerBall tickets just for grins. Unfortunately, when we got back out to the Merc, it wouldn't start. It cranked like a champ, but it appears the fuel pump expired, leaving a full tank of gas with no where to go and no way to get there. We walked back to G'Ma's house, wrung out as much sweat as we could, and then I returned to the scene of the crime in the hope it might be a simple case of vapor lock. Ha Ha.
By then, Gimlet arrived in his car and we vainly tried to reset the fuel pump relay in between spirited bouts of profanity. Luckily, a tow truck pulled in to the station and we were able to get a tow the few blocks to Grandma Gimlet's house, where the not-so-mighty Merc now lies mortally wounded.
I guess it could have been worse. We could have been on the highway on a 95 degree day when the engine stalled, or it could have happened six weeks ago during Gimlet and FroggieGirl's wedding. Bummer. Then again, it could have not happened at all. Stupid Ford!! There, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel a whole lot better.
Tomorrow, the lump goes to the dealer for a proper diagnosis (I hope!) and a substantial bill. I hear GM's having a big sale on light trucks, and I've always liked the Toyota Tundra, so.................?

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

It's been a while since the last WRRW filled these pages, but that's to be expected when there are a whole lot of things goin' on:
-My son, the QT/computer/brew expert Gimlet, married the lovely, artistic, and talented FroggieGirl on Saturday, June 3 at St. Ann's Church in Normandy, Missouri. By the time our heads hit the pillows early Sunday morning following the special day and a night of partying, MercLady and I were just about unconscious. The recovery from our fatigued state took much longer than we had anticipated, but we expect to be back up to warp speed before the end of the decade.
-I've had a lot of job-related chores to accomplish in the last few weeks.
-I'm getting old and lazy (not to mention crotchety).
-There have been a whole bunch of sales on tools at Sears. Lowe's, Home Depot, etc, etc.
Anyway, now that things are getting back to normal, or what passes for normal these days, I hope to get the column out on a more regular schedule.

*I'm really getting to like my new Craftsman router table. Instead of trying to corral a handheld router spinning at several-thousand RPMs, I simply mount the tool in the bench and guide the wood through. No fuss, no muss (unless you count the choking cloud of dust), and the cut turns out perfect. Woodworking is rapidly becoming one of my passions. I used to collect albums, car parts, and books. Now I collect router bits. Does this mean I'll turn into one of those old guys who sits behind a table at a craft show hawking bookends and birdhouses?

*My son's BMW developed a couple of interesting "conditions" recently. First, the rear shock mount got tired of being part of Teutonic engineering and decided to strike out on its own. It appears it will take the Marshall Plan and a skilled welder named Gunterschmidt to put things back as they were.
Secondly, the engine now produces a tapping noise, sort of like sonar when it bounces off the hull of a U-Boat. Not sure if it's terminal or just annoying, but either way it's got to run a few Deutschmarks to diagnose and treat.
Maybe what really hurt the Germans in WWII was that they didn't buy vehicles from their allies the Japanese!

*MercLady and I are still looking for a Golden Retriever to live at our house. The perfect candidate will be house trained, able to chase off marauding cats and bunny rabbits with a single bound, and star in multi-million dollar movies/tv shows/commercials. Other than that, we're pretty flexible. Note to South County Bear: Are you sure we're supposed to train the dog and not the other way around? It just seems so much easier to let the dog train us. Besides, how much obedience can you expect from an animal when it knows you pick up its poop?

*In a story related to the latest BMW caper, Gimlet and FroggieGirl have a new car, a 2004 Honda Civic. The new ride has a lot of advantages over the product from the Black Forest:
-Hondas have a great reputation for reliability and longevity. I've heard that a Japanese soldier from World War II was recently found on Guadalcanal still driving his 1939 Accord. The windshield was cracked from the US Navy bombardment in 1942, and it needed an oil change, but that was it.
-It uses regular gas, not premium like the Bimmer, and Civics are pretty frugal when it comes to mileage. Man, the Germans lost the war when their Panzers ran of of gas during the Ardennes Offensive in 1944, and they STILL haven't learned their lesson!
-The less money spent at QT on gasoline means more cups of Rooster Booster! More Taquitos! More Hot Dogs! More ice cream sandwiches! This is definitely a win-win situation.

*I have a week's vacation starting today, and my birthday is tomorrow (I'm too much of a gentleman to tell my age, so let's just say I'm "mature"). Naturally, the weather this week will be appropriately hot as hades and as humid as Borneo during rainy season. I'll probably have to spend the entire time inside doing woodworking projects with all my new power and hand tools. As Homer Simpson says, "Woo Hoo!! I hit the jackpot!".

-Everybody have a great week, and be sure to check this space next weekend when I'll be near the end of my time off and in a really crummy mood!

Goldens Rule!!

In spite of the claims by some misguided Lab owners, this picture clearly shows why Goldens rule. What other dog is so beautiful, friendly, and loyal as this big old boy?
I know that owners of other breeds love their puppies and think they're the best, and that's OK. Just remember that when it comes down to a vote, only owners of Goldens can truly and objectively state, without reservation, that their pooch is definitely "Numero Uno"!!!
PS Cardinal's Superstar Albert Pujols is the proud owner of a Golden. Maybe that's the secret to his success: He's so happy that he can't help but succeed!

About the Wedding.......

On Saturday, June 3, Mrs MercMan and I had the very great honor of officially welcoming a new member to our family as our son Gimlet and his fiance' Froggiegirl were married at St. Ann's Church in Normandy, Missouri. I've held off on writing a post re the happy event in the hopes of taking the time to get it right.

The weather was beautiful, like the bride, and I couldn't help feeling a little envious of the newlyweds' start on their life together. It seems a long time ago that Mrs MercMan and I stood side by side in a church ceremony, promising to love, honor, and cherish each other forever. While I wouldn't exchange a moment of my life, I wouldn't complain about being a 20-something again instead of a middle-aged AARP candidate.

As Gimlet and Froggiegirl were standing at the altar, my mind replayed highlights from Gimlet's growing up, from his trip home from the hospital to his first day of kindergarten; from the day he got his driver's license to the day he moved into his own house to the day he and Froggiegirl thrilled Mrs. MercMan and I with the news of their engagement. As I sat there thinking, I wondered if Froggiegirl's father was reliving those same memories of his now grown-up daughter. I'm betting he was, and though one chapter of our lives was ending, another was just beginning.

The wedding brought together more than just the bride and groom. Two families also became one, and that family includes all the wonderful friends who came together at a special place and time to show their support and best wishes for the newlyweds. My fervent hope is that the blessings of that day carry on forever for Gimlet and Froggiegirl, and all those who helped make the day the best ever!

The Router Table Has Landed!

Regular readers of this site know of my love of tools. Hand tools, power tools, mechanic's tools, woodworking tools, you name it, I love it, especially if it's made-in-America-drop-forged-3horsepower-3000 rpm-heavy-duty-etc-etc-etc. Well, today I assembled my latest addition: A Craftsman Professional Series, laminate-top router bench.

I've had a router for a while, but the addition of the bench is just downright awesome! Whether you're rounding edges or cutting moulding, this thing rocks! Just set the bit height, adjust the fence, feed the stock from right to left and voila, perfect edge.

Of course, now I need an additional router to leave permanently mounted in the bench, plus about 100 new router bits for all the projects I've got in mind. Ahhhh....love means never having to say you have too many tools!

Memories in Pictures

I was going through old photo albums tonight, and I was struck by how much time had slipped away. There were pictures of my late brother in his khaki Army uniform, as well as shots of us together when I was just a kid and he was an almost-grown big brother. I also found shots of my two sisters and my Mom and Dad, all taken 40-50 years ago. Can it really be that far back?
There were pictures of me with different hairstyles, from crew cuts to long side burns. I don't think I ever had an Afro, but I did have "love" beads and bell-bottomed pants in the 1960s!
Then there were my and Mrs Merc Man's wedding pictures. Mrs looked hot, and although we were both 21, we sure looked like a couple of babes in the woods. I can't even remember being that young.
Of course, a lot of the pictures featured Gimlet (or as I call him, The Boy!), chronicling his march from childhood to (yipes!) teenager to adult. Our latest pictures of The Boy also feature FroggieGirl, which is as it should be, since very soon they'll declare before God, family, and friends that they are two hearts beating as one.
Here's wishing them lots of happy pictures in the album.

Transmission A-Go-Go!

Saturday, Gimlet and I attempted to diagnose an intermittent problem with Grandma Gimlet's '92 Olds Cutlass Ciera. While driving the car, it would sometimes behave as if it were struggling along in the wrong gear (it's an automatic). The car would shudder as you approached a stop, and would stall as soon as the car stopped moving. Then, after a few blocks of trying to give just enough gas to keep rolling without lugging the engine, things would smooth out and everything would be hunky-dory.
I suspected a problem with the lock-up torque converter, as Mrs Merc Man's '86 Cutlass Supreme suffered a similar malady earlier in its career. Still, I wasn't quite convinced GM would allow a chronic problem like this to go on for 6 model years without a fix.
Anyhoo, Gimlet and I headed out on a test drive, with Gimlet behind the wheel. I ran the passenger-side power window down for a little fresh air, then discovered that said window would not go back up. So far, our drive had not started out on a good note!
We drove for a long time, pausing only at the QT on Page to let the car heat soak and refresh ourselves before the next leg of our journey. After another 15-20 minutes of trouble-free cruising, we were just heading home when, all of a sudden, SHIMMY!, SHAKE!, SHUDDER!, the ol' car started doing its imitation of a belly dancer on speed! After several white-knuckle moments, we were finally able to limp the car home, at which time it proceeded to run just fine. Diagnosis: NEW CAR!!!!
Naw, just kidding, maybe. We're pretty sure it IS the lock-up converter, which we can disable by jacking up the car, putting it on stands, and unplugging its power source.
Now, about that passenger-side window..........

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This edition of WRR&W is brought to you by the makers of power tools that can do serious damage in the hands of amateurs! Hey! At least I have my safety glasses on.

*Midwestern Girl's bridal shower went off without a hitch last Saturday. Even the weather, which included rain, wind, and falling trees, managed to stay away from the shower site. The haul included items from almost every category except tools, which explains why menfolk head for the hardware store while the shower is in progress!

*Alas, on Sunday, another NASCAR race was rained out. Instead of rescheduling the race for the next day, couldn't they just hold off 'til the next weekend and just add the races together? Can you imagine adding two 500-mile races and coming up with a thousand-miler? Wow, it would be like "Road Warrior" and "Death Race 2000" rolled into one.

*In case anyone is still wondering, I actually didn't cut off my thumb as shown in the picture with this column. Truth is, I lost that digit as a child in a tragic thumbsucking incident, and, no, I don't want to talk about it!

*By the way, do monkeys have thumbs on their feet?

*In spite of all their attempts at keeping their native culture intact, I think illegal aliens coming across the Southern US border are rapidly becoming Americans. I mean, they're not even working legally and they go on strike?! That's about as Teamster as it gets! This coming from a proud former member (in good standing, I might add) of Local 618.

*Cardinals' 1st baseman Albert Pujols had about the most amazing April ever. Something like 14 HRs, several game-winning hits, and outstanding fielding are merely padding Fat Albert's already amazing baseball resume'. I never thought another St. Louis player could approach Stan Musial's status in the Gateway City, but if Albert stays healthy, he'll get a good run at it.

*Celebremos Cinco de Mayo! Hasta la vista!

Zoot Tux!

This afternoon, I went to the store and got measured for a Tux for the wedding of Midwestern Girl and Gimlet. Everything went pretty smoothly, and I was finished in about 20 minutes. The suits the happy couple picked out look pretty cool, but I have to admit I was really hooked by the Zoot Tux they had on a poster near the fitting room!
It really is a 1940s-style Zoot Suit made into a tux, complete with the panama hat and two-tone black and white shoes. They even have the long chain hanging from the waist! I tell ya, I liked the thing so much I asked Mrs Merc Man if she'd marry me again just so I could rent the Zoot Tux!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This week's WRR&W deals with the joys of worklife, and is dedicated to anyone who has ever had to work for someone else. It's not a job, it's an exercise in frustration.

*My first full-time job was as a commission salesperson at what was then the world's largest retailer. I sold atomotive parts and accessories, including batteries, engines, transmissions, air conditioners, brakes, etc, etc. It was actually a pretty good gig, and since commission rates in the early 1970s were very respectable, an average person like myself could make a nice living without having an advanced degree or a well-connected relative. By the 1980s, Kmart, and then Wal-Mart, had convinced a lot of shoppers that cheap junk was better than quality merchandise, and that having trained salespeople around to assist customers wasn't nearly as efficient as letting people fend for themselves. Besides, everyone loves to stand in a checkout line for 45 minutes to purchase a quart of oil, especially if they've saved 2 cents! Today, my former company teeters on the brink of insolvency while the junk stores of the world peddle ever more junky crap assembled by slave labor in some "worker's paradise" across the ocean. Now that's progress.

*My current 'career' is in pharmaceutical sales. I know, I know, everyone believes the drug companies are robbing the sick and the elderly with inflated prices while making enormous profits. It is true that some very popular prescription drugs are very expensive, but the industry is not in all that rosy a shape. There have been some major financial failures as medicines that were being developed didn't pan out as the companies had hoped. Bayer lost the cholesterol drug Baycol to recall, AstraZeneca had a couple of expected blockbusters fizzle, Merck is paying out hundreds-of-millions to settle claims against Vioxx, and the industry as a whole is suffering from an oversupply of sales reps, a scarcity of new meds in the pipeline, and a tarnished public image. If we ever end up with a government-run healthcare system, it will be lights out.

*That being said, life as a drug rep is pretty much like any other sales job. Customers don't want to see you, there's tremendous pressure put on reps to sell product at all costs, and on any given day, 20-30 other reps are trying to influence the same people you are. I figure it's sort of like being a leper. Every time you approach someone, they throw their hands up and yell, "Unclean, unclean!"

*Another fun aspect is the monthly ride-a-long with your manager. Several years ago, the day consisted of having your boss tag along for the day, compliment you on your successes, offer constructive suggestions, and buy you a nice lunch. Today, with the sheer number of competitors to contend with, reps are pushed to make more calls, be more assertive (Read: Jerk), and "move the numbers" by just about any means necessary. As a result, the ride-a-long has become deadly serious. Woe be to the poor slob who has a bad day or gets a lot of doors slammed in his/her face. And then, just as the outing is mercifully drawing to an end, you have to endure the dreaded 'Post-ride-along evaluation', or as we in the industry affectionately refer to it as "The reaming". One rep described his boss's assessment remarks as "Nice hair-you suck- nice shoes". Wow, I'd KILL for a great e-val like that!

*The poor image the drug industry endures also means LOTS of people sitting in doctor's offices get a shot at us while we're waiting with them in the lobby. Most folks are very nice, but I regularly get dirty looks, and some people are bold enough to insult you to your face. The fact that we supply them with thousands of dollars of free medicine doesn't mollify these critics, and since we dress professionally and drive new cars, we stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. Of cousre, it could be worse. I could be a pump jockey at a gas station. With $3-a-gallon prices, it's probably a safety measure that very few stations have employees out at the point of sale.

*After all my crabbing, I wanted to end this week's column on a lighter note. There are plenty of people out there with worse jobs than mine: English teacher in France, judge in Baghdad, Cher's plastic surgeon, the list goes on and on. The utter inanity of work was probably best summed up by Will Farrell the other day when he reminded his audience that we celebrate Labor Day by NOT working. I really think he's got something there! See ya next week!!

Loft City?

I hosted a dinner program last night at a trendy restaurant on Washington Avenue in downtown St. Louis. It was a pretty cool place, with a extensive wine list (What, no Mad Dog?), and a decor full of wood panelling and subdued lighting that made for a very intimate environment.
I parked in a garage a block or so away, and as I walked down the street, what struck me was the sheer number of older buildings that are being converted to lofts. Some of the developments are advertising roof-top pools, private parking, and prices in the multiple hundreds-of-thousands of dollars. All I kept thinking was, "Who lives in all these places and what do they do for a living?"
The other things that nag at me are why people want to live in a part of town with no neighborhood grocery stores, very few family-friendly venues nearby, the threat of urban street crime, and the possibility that your investment may not pay off in the long run. Then again, maybe I've just lived in the suburbs too long.
I don't blame the city, or developers, for promoting a product that brings much needed revenue to St. Louis. I just wonder about the long-term viability of this trend.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*NBCs weekly news magazine, Dateline, ventured to NASCAR races recently. Not to film the action on the track, mind you, but to try and catch fans in the act of dissing Arab-looking spectators. The network had photographers follow two Middle Eastern-looking men in the belief that all those southern Rednecks just couldn't pass up the chance to harass helpless Muslims when they outnumbered the helpless 150,000 to 2.
To Dateline's dismay, the two men were not mistreated by anyone, and were able to wander around like any other fan on race day. As Jimmie Johnson, driver of the #48 Lowe's Monte Carlo put it, "I'm proud of our sport. Now, if those men had been wearing Jeff Gordon t-shirts and started jawing at Dale Earnhardt, Jr fans, there would probably have been a fight". Fortunately, NBCs minions didn't know enough about stock car racing to figure that out.

*The St. Louis Cardinals began the 2006 baseball season on a high note, sweeping the 3-game set with the Phillies before losing to Greg Maddux and the Cubs. The Cubs? Oh, the pain of it all!

*Mrs Merc Man and I have been trying to figure out all the nuances of our new iMac computer. Having exclusively used Windows-based PCs to this point, I can't get used to the lack of blue screens and "illegal operations" shutdowns.

*As regular vistors already know, I've been trying to learn woodworking skills. Well, mostly I've been BUYING a lot of woodworking tools, most of them powered. I'm beginning to get the hang of using a router, and once I have the complete $500,000 set of router bits available, I'll be good to go. I also need about half the world's lumber supplies, but that's another story and another small fortune.

*This Spring has had a typical Midwest beginning, with snow, wind, and rain storms that suddenly morph into tornadoes, complete with hail, gale-force blasts, and torrential downpours. I still haven't answered one basic question: Why in the world did our ancestors decide to stop here on their journey for a new life? Was it like, really nice that year?

Never Underestimate the Arrogance of Politicians

I love the story about Democratic Representative Cynthia McKinney and her assault of a US Capitol security officer. McKinney's actions don't surprise me since she's been involved in acts of sheer stupidity for a long time now. What really gets me is that members of Congress don't have to go through routine screenings like the rest of America. Politicians apparently see themselves as better than the rest of us schlubs who basically get strip-searched each time we go to an airport, courthouse, or even some high schools!
A few weeks ago, I attended jury duty at the County Courthouse in Clayton. Even though all the prospective jurors went through an initial screening and were given ID badges, we had to submit to another screening anytime we left the building. Nobody complained, even when we were standing there in our boxers wondering why we still made the detectors beep.
I think every member of Congress should face the same humiliation, except for Ted Kennedy. He should also take a Breathalyzer test before they let him in the building.

New Computer--Take THAT Bill Gates!!!

With the help of my son, Gimlet the All Computerizing, we purchased a new iMac Computer for the Merc Man household. We chose the Apple because of its great graphics and easy to use features, but mostly because we hate MicroSoft. The setup is a little diferent than Mrs Merc Man and I are used to, but with time we should be able to utilize all the software without too much headache.
I especially like iTunes, and I'm hoping to learn more about GarageBand and iPhoto in the near future. For now, we're ecstatic to have a machine that doesn't crash everytime we sneeze.
My only fear is that we'll be visited by Bill Gates, which is what happened to Homer Simpson when he tried to start his own Internet Provider. Gates "bought Homer out" by having a couple of his goons smash everything in the Simpson's house! Fortunately, I have the promise of a Internet Swat Team, known as the 'Linnux Commandos', that they will come to my rescue if Gates launches an assault!

Apple Tree Massacre

Following Thursday night's thunderstorms, I awoke to find wind damage to the apple tree in our backyard. Being a dutiful homeowner with a vacation day on his hands, I decided to go out, save the tree, and "clean up" the overgrowth of limbs.
A couple hours later I had a HUGE stack of branches, busted limbs, and sawdust on the ground, and a skeleton of an apple tree still standing. Every time I cut out a broken branch, I'd find two more with splits, squirrel-inflicted bark damage, or gall. Somehow, the finished product didn't come out like the trees on 'Victory Garden' do.
Come this Summer, I'll have lots of adversaries looking for revenge since the birds, squirrels, rabbits, and wasps all loved the sweet apples that filled the once-numerous branches and sometimes fell to the ground. The biggest problem with lumber is that once you saw something off, it's pretty much impossible to put it back together.
I wonder what you can build with wood from an apple tree?

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*I see the news media have decided that: 1) The Iraq war is lost and the American people's support for the liberation of Iraq is "dwindling". No mention of the fact that the drive-by press has spent the last three years trying its best to undermine our efforts by spending all its time on alleged mistreatment of terrorists, our supposed low standing with the rest of the world, and how Arabs couldn't possibly maintain a democracy. No facts, just brag. 2) Hollywood knows more about how to fight terrorism than the experts in the military and our intelligence services. We've had to endure everything from Michael Moore's celluloid lies about President Bush, VP Dick Cheney, and the "neocons" (code word for Jews) in the Administration, to hearing Charlie Sheen's looney conspiracy theories re 9/11. This moron actually believes the Trade Center Towers were actually collapsed by a controlled explosion, and that the jets that crashed into the towers were not commercial airliners! Maybe something he picked up from Heidi Fleiss' ate the good parts of his brain. 3) Our military is made up of low-rent dropouts who couldn't get a job in the real world. This one is right out of the 1960s, when anti-war lefties claimed that only poor blacks fought and died in Vietnam. When the actual statistics from the military are examined, it shows a balanced mix of the population served, in proportions that accurately reflect the make-up of our nation. 4) Even though Dan Rather's "Guardgate" scandal of President Bush's military service was proven to be built on faked documents, Blather continues to insist the story is true, and his buds in the press continue to cover for him. Maybe they were ALL customers of Heidi Fleiss!

*A combined force of British, Iraqi, and US soldiers rescued a group of peace activists in Baghdad after obtaining information from a captured insurgent (Gee, I hope they didn't violate his rights. After all, aren't murderous thugs entitled to all the legal protections those thousands of Americans who were incinerated on 9/11 received? Oh wait, that's right, they were executed without due process!). In an ironic twist, the pacifists couldn't bring themselves to thank their liberators, instead expressing gratitude to Muslims who had called for their release. Too bad that didn't work for Danny Pearl.

*Hillary Clinton is gearing up for a run at the presidency in 2008. Just what the Democratic Party needs, Michael Dukakis in a dress! Bill felt our pain, Hillary just is a pain!

*Senator Russ Feingold wants to censure the President over the electronic surveillence controversy. I hope so. I can't wait to see politicians vote on a document that sanctions the President for protecting America from Al Queda terrorists. I think ol' Russ is gonna find himself mighty lonely when that poll is taken. As dumb as Republicans are, you just can't top Democrats when it comes to making jackasses of themselves.

*Let's end this week's diatribe on an up note. Here's to all the men and women of the United States military who sacrifice so much while the rest of us live the good life at home. While we're watching sat TV, going to ball games, and buying Hotzi's at QT, they're laying their lives on the line for us. Maybe someday they'll get the recognition they deserve, but I'm not sure we could ever adequately express it. God Bless America!