Oi! What a Week I'm Having!

I tell ya, this just isn't my week. I was all set to host a roundtable discussion involving several of the most important doctors in my territory Tuesday night at a trendy wine bar on Washington Avenue. I had been working on this program since last November. Everything was on track until Monday night when one doctor's son became quite ill. After about two dozen frantic phone calls, I managed to cancel the program until the young man gets better. By then my ulcer was going full bore and my head was thumping. The way my luck's been going lately, the young patient is probably lucky I'm not getting close enough to his Dad to jinx his recovery!

Today, I went to discuss another possible program with a physician who has a large number of home-care patients. Problem is, this doctor's first language isn't English and it is sometimes difficult to understand him, especially when he's excited. Did I mention he's almost always hyper? I waited over an hour to see him, and then got stuck trying to figure out what the heck he was saying for another hour. By the time I left his office, my head was spinning, my gut was churning, and I was dreaming of a nice quiet job guarding plutonium in Siberia! His office is in South St. Louis, so I got the added joy of trying to get past the Hwy 40/I-170 exchange in a downpour without being T-Boned by a hydro-planing semi. Ahhh..the glamorous life of a drug rep. I wonder if they have drug reps in Siberia?

Strangely enough, a few weeks ago my horoscope (Sign: Cancer) said I was coming out of a low period and heading toward a real high spot. Great!!! Maybe I can throw myself off. Question: What moron decided to give July the crab as its astrological sign? It's like all the good signs had already been claimed and July got bottom of the barrel! Why couldn't my sign have been something cool like a shark, an eagle, or even a freakin' unicorn? Anything but a crab!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Bought a new TV on President's Day in honor of President Sony. It's a 24-inch flat screen to replace an ancient 19-inch Sears that was made sometime during the first term of Ronald Reagan. All we have so far are rabbit ears, so until we either get cable or sat TV, we aren't quite sure of just how good the picture is on our new set.

*I also received the videos I ordered from the New Yankee Workshop re building a home library system and a garden bench. Now all I need is a 2500-square-foot workshop and the million dollars in power tools it will take to equip it. Somewhere on the East Coast, Norm Abrams is laughing all the way to the bank!

*Jimmy Johnson won the 2006 Daytona 500 amid allegations that his suspended crew chief is a cheat. The #48 Lowe's Monte Carlo has been a consistent contender over the last 3 seasons, and some people are concerned that unfair advantage has played a major role in the team's success. You'll notice that my man Tony Stewart (the #20 Home Depot car) has not been tainted by such charges. Tony is so busy mixing it up with other cars/drivers both on and off the track he doesn't have time to resort to illegal tactics!

*Tomorrow I'll be attending a birthday party for a 12-year-old black labrador retriever named Velvet. I know that sounds a little cornball, but this dog is so well trained and so good-hearted she trumps about 90% of the people I come in contact with each day. As a good friend of mine once said, "The more I deal with people, the better I like dogs!".

*The United States has killed another high-ranking Al Queda officer. No muss, no fuss, no arguing over how to treat prisoners. It sounds like a few well-placed shots or Hellfire missiles is the answer to all our legal wranglings!

*The United States Olympic Team has had a tough go in Turin. It got especially embarassing in the bobsled competition when officials found the NASCAR-designed American sled was running a hidden tank full of moonshine. I think having the name "White Lightning" on the sleigh wasn't
the smartest move. The rebel flag didn't help either!

Blind Justice...Literally!!!

I received a letter in the mail the other day from St. Louis County inviting me, under penalty of law, to participate in the application of justice known as jury duty. It's only for a couple of days unless I actually end up on a case that carries on longer than that. Apparently, the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but it would be an interesting experience. To prepare, I've been reading "12 Angry Men" by Arthur Miller, and "I, Jury" by Mickey Spillane, plus watching all the Simpsons episodes starring Lionel Huts and the Seinfeld shows featuring Jackie Chiles!
Order In The Court!! Here Come 'da Judge!

Just Send Us Your Coordinates!

Osama bin Laden says he will not be taken alive, and we would be more than happy to oblige!
BOMBS AWAY!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Democrats are calling for Vice President Dick Cheney to resign after being involved in a hunting accident last week. Republican charges of a double standard went unheeded after Mary Jo Kopechne could not be reached for comment.

*Olympic skater Michelle Kwan pulled out of the Winter Games in Turin, Italy after reinjuring herself in practice. She's taken a fair amount of heat from fans who feel she should have stepped aside earlier during Olympic Trials. I guess the fact that the Games come only once every four years puts a lot of pressure on world-class athletes to compete while still in their prime.

*US downhill skier Bode Miller fell short of his boasts to dominate events in Italy. Known for his "unorthodox" training regimen which includes a heapin' helpin' of partying, Miller got crossed up on the slopes when he couldn't figure out which course was the real one and which were part of his hangover! In another event, Miller crashed into a gate and ran off the course. Maybe he should keep quiet for a while.

*A big round of applause for American speed skater Shani Davis, who becomes the first black man to win a gold medal in the Winter Games. Davis had been criticized mildly for not participating in an earlier team event, but explained he was afraid the extra competition would weaken him in the 1000 meters. Looks like his strategy paid off as Americans finished 1-2 in the event!

*In the "Agony of Defeat" category, US women's snowboarder Lindsay Jacobellis was way ahead of the second-place Swiss boarder in the Women's Snowboardcross. When she tried to pull a fancy finish to seal her victory, she tripped and fell, handing the gold to her opponent. Jacobellis was able to get back up to gain a silver medal, but her greatest claim to fame will be the mistake that kept her off the top step of the award podium. I wonder if she'll replace the crashing ski jumper in the opening shot of ABCs 'Wide World of Sports'?

*Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the Middle East. Rumor has it Mr Clinton had to ask the State Department to defuse a potential international crisis when he was caught with a bag of pork rinds and a dog-eared copy of Penthouse Letters while in Saudi Arabia. The situation became even more inflamed when it was discovered he had purchasef the items in Denmark!

*My son celebrated his 29th birthday this week in true adult fashion: He worked, fought through an upper respiratory thingy, and put up with his parents' phone calls. Our birthday wish for him is to never check the oil in his car after hearing a noise and have the tech say, "I can't read anything on the dipstick!", always find sufficient cash in his wallet when at a restaurant, have a career so successful he'll get to see a lot of his bosses be fired, and, finally, not put his parents in a home featured on 60 Minutes when the senility really kicks in!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Congrats to the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers for their Super Bowl victory over the Seattle Seahawks. With all the sloppy play, bad officiating, and poor game-time management, it looked more like a high-school JV contest, but I'm sure Steelers Coach Bill Cower and the rest of Steeleville will take a win no matter how it happens.

*The lady who is my territory partner in the pharmaceutical rep business got quite a scare this week. Her 20-month-old son had a severe allergic reaction to peanuts while at the babysitters, and had to be rushed to the hospital! Apparently, the little guy was enjoying some breakfast cereal that contained peanuts when he suddenly started swelling up like a balloon. Since this was the first incidence, nobody knew what the heck was going on. Luckily, the babysitter was quick to get help and what could have been a tragedy was averted with no permanent damage, except to the nerves of my friend, her husband, and one very shaken babysitter. Add to the mix that my colleague is also 7 months pregnant, and it's really a blessing that nothing else happened! The toughest thing is that the little boy will have to avoid any contact with peanuts from now on, and from what the dietician told my partner, a lot of things you'd never suspect can be dangerous for him to eat or even be around.

*Why is it you don't hear about people being allergic to carrots, or saurkraut, or broccoli? Wouldn't it be great to hear your doctor say, "I'm recommending that you restrict your diet to pizza, ice cream, and White Castles, all complimented by large quantities of adult beverages"?

*My wife and I are in the process of picking out a new PC to replace the stone-age model we presently curse and kick every day. Since I'm basically computer ignorant, this has become a rather hilarious venture. I scan the ads each week, and visit the different suppliers' websites in search of the Holy Grail. I usually discriminate by price since perusing the technical specifications is like reading hieroglyphics! As if the basic packages aren't hard enough for me to follow, there are always dozens of 'upgrades' offered, like built-in cameras, or laser framistats. Maybe Dell, eMachines, or one of the other computer companies could come up with a basic, one-price-for-the-whole-mess PC just for the techno-impaired web surfer. They could call it the 'Dumbass Special' or something like that.

*I've been home from my trip to the Southern California desert for about 2 weeks now, so my allergies and sinus headaches are back in full force. You don't realize how bad you feel living in the mold and allergen center of the country until you visit someplace else and realize a lot of people don't live on Sudafed, Primatene, and aspirin each day. I guess there are drawbacks to living on the Left Coast, but even if an earthquake eventually killed me, at least I'd die with a dry handkerchief in my pocket!

*Is it baseball season yet? GO CARDS!!!!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*It's Super Bowl weekend! If history is any guide, the half-time show will suck (as old as the Rolling Stones are, I half expect to see them come out on oxygen), the commercials will not be worth the $$$s spent on them, and one team will dominate the game from start to finish. Columnist George Will had the best observation: Once the Super Bowl is over, baseball Spring Training is just around the corner. Go Cards!!

*I'm getting a little more used to my new tablet computer. I only wish it was a little less bulky to lug around all day as I travel from one doctor's office to another. 4 1/2 pounds doesn't sound like a lot to carry, but when you add it to the weight of samples, my detail pieces, and all the clinical reprints I drag along, we're talking hefty. What I really need is one of those electric carts like people use at the supermarket. Especially if it has lights and a horn! Ahhh-ooooo-gaaa!!!

*I think I may be in trouble with the Man above. For several weeks now, my left foot swells up and gets awful sore after a day of walking on it. In my prayers, I've been asking that my foot be more like the other one. Problem is, now BOTH of my feet swell up and hurt. Either I'm not a very good spiritual communicator or God has a funny sense of humor!

*My company's national sales meeting was held in Palm Springs, California last week, and it was my first real trip to the desert. I think I could get used to the 70+ temps in the daytime, but it gets pretty cool at night. I'm guessing it gets toasty in the Summer, but that dry air (22% humidity compared to 1000% in St. Louis) sure did help my allergies. On the plane ride home, we had a layover in Dallas. By the time my group got back on the plane, we were all sneezing, coughing, and pretty much back to our normal, miserable selves. Welcome back to Middle America.

*The big debate here in the Gateway City lately has been the proposal to upgrade Highway 40. One of the suggested plans was to shut the entire roadway during repair, which would have pretty much paralyzed a big part of the metro area. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the new idea is to shut down one portion of the highway at a time. Whichever plan is finally approved, traffic will probably be a nightmare for a looonnggg time.

New Computers

The pharma company I work for just switched from a small, PDA-sized field computer to a much larger, and heavier, tablet manufactured by Fujitsu.
Before we received these new units, we were told how much faster they were, and how they'd make us more effective in the field. Now, on the second day we've used them, they're crashing faster than a Russian airliner.
They are also 4.5 lbs and not much smaller than a laptop, so you can't carry them in your pocket or hold them in one hand. Obviously, the genius at Home Office who bought this bill of goods never worked as a field rep.
I find myself longing for the glory days of paper receipts and no cell phones!

Bomba Osama!

It seems that the world's leading Islamofascist has been reading US opinion polls. Osama bin Laden is now offering the United States a "long-term truce" if only we'll stop dismembering Al Queda and wiping out his followers around the globe. Maybe the Predator drones that recently took out some of his murderous fellow travelers in Pakistan got a little too close to the madman himself. The only thing President Bush wants from Osama are his coordinates!

While Hillary Clinton insults black Americans on Martin Luther King Day, Ted Kennedy fights to preserve the right of women to have sex with men they wouldn't have a baby with, and Harry Belafonte throws in with Stalinist dictators in South America, US troops and our coalition partners are relentlessly hounding the terrorists who threaten Western civilization.

US Marines, Sailors, Airmen, and GIs are performing brilliantly against a sadistic enemy who wears no uniform, hides among, and murders, innocent men, women, and children, and believes in a fanatic ideology of hate and intolerance.

Sooner or later, Osama will be dragged from a rathole with a hole in his head or else be blasted to smithereens by a bomb smarter than he is. I can't wait to see the polls on that one!

March of the Penguins

For Christmas, my son and his fiancee gave my wife a copy of the movie, 'March of the Penguins'. After watching it, I have to say it is one of the most remarkable films I have seen in my 50+ years on Spaceship Earth.
It's the story of how the Emperor Penguin travels by land to a breeding ground some 70 miles from the sea to hatch the next generation of sea birds. This remarkable journey takes place during Winter in the most hostile environment on earth, where temperatures can fall to minus 100 degrees and storms may produce winds of up to 100 miles per hour! Mother and Father share the parenting chores, which include balancing the fragile egg on their feet to prevent the chick from freezing in the terrible Antarctic cold. Males go months without food, and may lose up to half their body weight.
The only thing these animals have to protect themselves from the bitter cold is their combined mass as they huddle together. The scenes of these poor creatures enduring howling winds is awesome, and their honking cries seem out of the dawn of time. All this drama takes place far from human eyes, except for some truly brave, and crazy, French filmakers who endured the weather to tell the Emperor Penguins' story of survival despite the odds.
This is one of those movies that leaves you speechless at its conclusion, and the images have stayed with me. I would recommend this movie to everyone: young and old, nature lover or not, spiritual or atheist. It's just too magnificent a story to miss.

Runaway Router

I got a new Craftsman 'Professional Series' router for Christmas, and so far it's been the toughest of my power tools to master. The router bit (the part that actually cuts the wood) spins at around 3000 rpm, so when it comes in contact with wood, it wants to take off like an out-of-balance washing machine walking across the basement floor!
Most of the woodworking magazines recommend using a jig (basically a guide made from strips of scrap wood) to keep the errant tool from taking off on its own, and that looks like the way I'll have to go. No wonder those magazines spend more time and effort on showcasing all kinds of jigs than they do completing the actual project.
By the way, routers really throw wood chips and sawdust, so like Norm Abrams says, "There are no more important safety equipment than these---safety glasses!

Merry Christmas! Now, Out of my way or I'll stomp you!!!

We took down the tree today, and the outside lights were removed yesterday (Sunday). All in all, it was a good holiday season, even if it did go by way too fast. Having 9 days break was awesome, and getting extra time to spend with family really contrasts with the days I spent in retail where you were lucky if you got Christmas Day off!
Seeing the day-after-Christmas footage of shoppers shoving, slugging, and trampling their way through the stores and malls really brought back memories--most of them painful. It's sobering to see normally(?) rational(?)(?)people turn into Russell Crowe with a telephone when somebody dangles a piece of half-price Chinese electronics in front of them. In my day, I've seen people fight over Cabbage Patch dolls, Atari Pac Man cartridges, and complimentary donuts (seeing a group of senior citizens knock each other down for a jelly roll was definitely the highlight of my retail career!).

Kicking Off the New Year

Had a really weird beginning to the New Year at work. The pharma company I work for shut down for the week between Christmas and New Year's. So far, so good. Either through a home-office mess up or miscalculation, they had us back to work today (Monday, January 2), even though it's actually the legal holiday. Every doctor's office I contacted was closed, which makes it hard to sell product when there's nobody there! The one upside to the entire day was the fact that parking was not a problem. Like the old adage says, when the world hands you lemons, you better have salt and tequila on hand!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

Thought I'd use this week's spot to wish everyone a Happy and Prosperous New Year, and list my resolutions for 2006.

*With Tom and Jenny's wedding coming up in June, I resolve to lose weight and get in better shape before the big day. Besides the health issue, it would sure feel nice to buy new clothes that are smaller than my current selection! Besides, people are starting to catch on that I'm NOT an offensive tackle for the St. Louis Rams.

*I have been promising to restore my wife's beloved 1986 Olds Cutlass for a few year's now, so I resolve to "git 'er done" (with apologies to Larry the cable guy) in 2006. Does anyone have a spare Olds 403-cubic inch V8 laying around? Preferably from a late 70s/early 80s Pontiac Trans Am. If you also have a set of 15'' Olds Rally Wheels, even better!

*2006 has to be the year for a real, away-from-home vacation. It doesn't have to be exotic, maybe Williamsburg, Monticello, Santa Fe, or even Chicago or Atlanta (would really like to see the new Atlanta Aquarium or the Shedd in Chi-town!) How cool would it be to go to a Cards-Cubs game at Wrigley, catch a home run ball from Albert, and then refuse to throw it back onto the field?

*I always wanted to take part in a Highland Games-type competition. I believe there's a Saint Andrew's Society in St. Louis where one can get more info. Throwing a telephone pole around just sounds like a lot of fun. If my bad knees hold out, I'd really like to try. Aye, Laddie!

*I resolve not to cry like a baby in the emergency room after blowing out my knee, back, shoulder, etc, etc after taking part in above-mentioned games!

*I resolve to get my cholesterol, glucose, and blood pressure checked by my doctor, and actually follow her instructions if they're out of spec. Since I'm a drug rep and sell cholesterol and BP meds, it seems a little disingenuous to ask others to do what I won't do myself. Besides, I can probably become my own best sales tool!

*2006 will be the year I catch up with the rest of the world in technology. Out goes the ancient tv and pre-Deluvian home PC, in comes HDTV and a computer that can do more than play Solitaire. I've heard it's now possible to go more than 20 minutes without a memory dump, blue screen of death, or a lockup! Who'da thought?!

When, exactly, did Hell freeze over?

In the last two days, I have fixed the non-working gas lamp in my front yard, insulated the perimeter of my basement with fiberglass batts, cut out dead limbs from the apple and gum trees in our backyard, repaired a broken latch on the back storm door, and fixed a slow-running drain in the kitchen sink. All without falling off a ladder, being smacked with a tree limb the size of Montana, slicing off some fingers with a razor knife, or breaking a pipe inside a wall! With all this work and no disaster, I'm certain Hell has to have frozen over. I mean, I've used up nine lives worth of good luck in a two-day span. I haven't checked my astrological chart, but maybe my house, the planets, and all the other space junk out there are in some kind of once-in-a-millenium alignment (that would explain the White Sox winning the World Series, and Garth Brooks being in those Wal-Mart commercials).
Just to play it safe, I'm sitting in front of the computer with an aluminum foil hat on my head, a 4-leaf clover in my hand, and a St Christopher medal around my neck. These days, ya just can't be too careful!

Mmmmm.......Power Tools!!!

Over the last few months, I've accumulated a lot of new power tools. To wit, a 10-inch table saw, compound power miter saw, reciprocating saw, and now a combination fixed/plunge router (all Crafstman, of course). With my company's shutdown for the holidays, I've had the time to actually play around with them, and they are even more fun than I had previously thought. Using a 3000-rpm power saw to rip lumber is a feast for the male ego and an assault on said male's hearing (note--next time wear hearing protectors! PS to Jenny--I did remember my safety glasses a la' Norm Abrams).
The only limitations I still face are paying for quality wood and the cost of router bits. Apparently, there are 50 million router bits on the market, and you have to have every one to be a real woodworker. High-quality lumber is so expensive I'm going to take up part-time lumberjacking to secure wood at a reasonable price (look out, Earth-Firsters!)
I guess it could be worse. I could be into golf and spend all my money on bright yellow pants and tweed socks!

White Christmas

I woke up about 4 a.m. on Christmas morn 2005 to a bedroom lit up like the airport. During the night, the rain from Christmas Eve had changed over to snow, and there was enough of the white stuff to cover the ground and reflect the ten-thousand Xmas lights on our street. It was the perfect snowstorm--just enough to blanket the grassy areas without turning the sidewalks, driveways, and streets into a skating rink.
It reminded me of the year my wife and son and I went looking for the proper Christmas Tree on a snowy weekday evening. We sorted through the rows of potential purchases as Bing Crosby crooned "White Christmas" through speakers strung above the tree lot. The specimen we picked out was covered with snow, at least until I hoisted it up to load in the bed of my truck. At that moment, I got my first taste of what an avalanche feels like. As we drove home, with the now melting snowpile on my head running down my neck and soaking my t-shirt, I realized why people move to warmer climes!
Not every St. Louis Winter is cold. One Christmas Eve, we enjoyed lunch at Red Lobster, saw the movie "E.T." and then returned home to open presents on a balmy 70-degree evening.
On the flip side, in 1983 it was below zero every day for a week, and we had to thaw our tree before we could get the branches to relax so we could add lights and ornaments.
I wonder how hard it is to string lights on a palm tree?

Merry Christmas!!!

Here's hoping that everyone in the blogosphere has a very Merrry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, and a prosperous New Year. As a public service, here are a few hints to make your holiday season a memorable one:

--When leaving snacks for Santa, shy away from the traditional glass of milk. Doctors at North Pole Regional Medical Center report that the Jolly Old Elf's cholesterol is "through the roof", and suggest herbal tea or diet Dr Pepper as a more appropriate beverage for a hundred-something senior with a body-mass-index in the high 30s.

--Mrs Claus asks that homeowners disable their cable/satellite tv boxes so Santa won't be distracted on his big night. She recounted a harrowing tale from a few years back when a suburban Chicago man inadvertantly left the Playboy Channel on the tube and Father Christmas came home four times that evening to badger his harried bride for "holiday cheer"! Needless to say, he almost didn't finish all his deliveries due to the time-consuming tomfoolery.

--Make sure that everyone in the house knows whether the Christmas Tree is real or artificial. Forgetting to water a real tree, or watering a fake, can have disastrous consequences, especially if the artificial tree has built-in electronics.

--Drink holiday spirits in moderation. Remember that different brands of egg-nog can have varying amounts of egg and nog. Christmas morning is a lot more enjoyable if your head is NOT suspended above a toilet bowl or stuck in a lampshade!

--Don't forget pets in your holiday planning. Santa still has scars from attacks by unmuzzled pit bulls and free-ranging chinchillas. Maybe it's the red suit, but the old guy really seems to set off the wildlife.

--Finally, don't give away every dollar you've earned during the holdays. That's what April 15 is for! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!

Santa Claus a High-Tech Spy?

Reliable news sources are reporting that the Bush Administration secretly recruited Pere Noel to assist the US government in spying on suspected terrorists following the September 11 attacks. A spokesperson for Jolly Old Saint Nick confirmed Santa was cooperating with federal authorities, but insisted he had only turned over the "naughty" list to authorities. In a related development characterized as "chilling" by civil libertarians, the FBI announced it would vigorously pursue those individuals receiving lumps of coal this holiday season.

Patriot Act Stalled

Senate Democrats, aided and abetted by RINOs (Republicans-In-Name-Only) have voted against extending the Patriot Act. Fearful that President George W. Bush may actually be succeeding at fighting terrorists, these idiotic politicians have come down on the side of Islamofascists and their financial supporters rather than on the side of the American people.
US Armed Forces are winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, democratic elections have taken place in both countries, and liberals can't stand it. To the hate-America crowd, the thought of a Western victory over the forces of darkness is too horrible to consider. Just imagine what kind of world we'd be living in if we hadn't abandoned South Vietnam to the North Vietnamese Communists. Maybe we'd have been seen as such a bully that no one would have ever dared attack us again! Oh the horror!!
Most of the provisions of the Patriot Act are modeled after similar legislation used to combat organized crime syndicates. Contrary to the lies being peddled by the Left, judges must OK surveillance, and members of Congressional intelligence committees were advised of actions taken by the Administration. According to Senator John Kyl (R, Arizona), post-9/11 surveillence centered on telephone communications between Al Queda members in the Middle East and suspects inside the United States. Attorney General John Ashcroft never checked to see what books Barbra Streisand checked out of the Beverly Hills Library! He was too busy trying to prevent a repeat of September 11 and finding those responsible for the anthrax attacks (Have you forgotten so soon?).
Maybe these kooky politicians could try spewing their venom at the nuts that are trying to convert the world to their twisted ideology by slaughtering children and incinerating innocent people with jet fuel instead of slandering our Commander-in-Chief during a time of war.