Runaway Router

I got a new Craftsman 'Professional Series' router for Christmas, and so far it's been the toughest of my power tools to master. The router bit (the part that actually cuts the wood) spins at around 3000 rpm, so when it comes in contact with wood, it wants to take off like an out-of-balance washing machine walking across the basement floor!
Most of the woodworking magazines recommend using a jig (basically a guide made from strips of scrap wood) to keep the errant tool from taking off on its own, and that looks like the way I'll have to go. No wonder those magazines spend more time and effort on showcasing all kinds of jigs than they do completing the actual project.
By the way, routers really throw wood chips and sawdust, so like Norm Abrams says, "There are no more important safety equipment than these---safety glasses!

Merry Christmas! Now, Out of my way or I'll stomp you!!!

We took down the tree today, and the outside lights were removed yesterday (Sunday). All in all, it was a good holiday season, even if it did go by way too fast. Having 9 days break was awesome, and getting extra time to spend with family really contrasts with the days I spent in retail where you were lucky if you got Christmas Day off!
Seeing the day-after-Christmas footage of shoppers shoving, slugging, and trampling their way through the stores and malls really brought back memories--most of them painful. It's sobering to see normally(?) rational(?)(?)people turn into Russell Crowe with a telephone when somebody dangles a piece of half-price Chinese electronics in front of them. In my day, I've seen people fight over Cabbage Patch dolls, Atari Pac Man cartridges, and complimentary donuts (seeing a group of senior citizens knock each other down for a jelly roll was definitely the highlight of my retail career!).

Kicking Off the New Year

Had a really weird beginning to the New Year at work. The pharma company I work for shut down for the week between Christmas and New Year's. So far, so good. Either through a home-office mess up or miscalculation, they had us back to work today (Monday, January 2), even though it's actually the legal holiday. Every doctor's office I contacted was closed, which makes it hard to sell product when there's nobody there! The one upside to the entire day was the fact that parking was not a problem. Like the old adage says, when the world hands you lemons, you better have salt and tequila on hand!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

Thought I'd use this week's spot to wish everyone a Happy and Prosperous New Year, and list my resolutions for 2006.

*With Tom and Jenny's wedding coming up in June, I resolve to lose weight and get in better shape before the big day. Besides the health issue, it would sure feel nice to buy new clothes that are smaller than my current selection! Besides, people are starting to catch on that I'm NOT an offensive tackle for the St. Louis Rams.

*I have been promising to restore my wife's beloved 1986 Olds Cutlass for a few year's now, so I resolve to "git 'er done" (with apologies to Larry the cable guy) in 2006. Does anyone have a spare Olds 403-cubic inch V8 laying around? Preferably from a late 70s/early 80s Pontiac Trans Am. If you also have a set of 15'' Olds Rally Wheels, even better!

*2006 has to be the year for a real, away-from-home vacation. It doesn't have to be exotic, maybe Williamsburg, Monticello, Santa Fe, or even Chicago or Atlanta (would really like to see the new Atlanta Aquarium or the Shedd in Chi-town!) How cool would it be to go to a Cards-Cubs game at Wrigley, catch a home run ball from Albert, and then refuse to throw it back onto the field?

*I always wanted to take part in a Highland Games-type competition. I believe there's a Saint Andrew's Society in St. Louis where one can get more info. Throwing a telephone pole around just sounds like a lot of fun. If my bad knees hold out, I'd really like to try. Aye, Laddie!

*I resolve not to cry like a baby in the emergency room after blowing out my knee, back, shoulder, etc, etc after taking part in above-mentioned games!

*I resolve to get my cholesterol, glucose, and blood pressure checked by my doctor, and actually follow her instructions if they're out of spec. Since I'm a drug rep and sell cholesterol and BP meds, it seems a little disingenuous to ask others to do what I won't do myself. Besides, I can probably become my own best sales tool!

*2006 will be the year I catch up with the rest of the world in technology. Out goes the ancient tv and pre-Deluvian home PC, in comes HDTV and a computer that can do more than play Solitaire. I've heard it's now possible to go more than 20 minutes without a memory dump, blue screen of death, or a lockup! Who'da thought?!

When, exactly, did Hell freeze over?

In the last two days, I have fixed the non-working gas lamp in my front yard, insulated the perimeter of my basement with fiberglass batts, cut out dead limbs from the apple and gum trees in our backyard, repaired a broken latch on the back storm door, and fixed a slow-running drain in the kitchen sink. All without falling off a ladder, being smacked with a tree limb the size of Montana, slicing off some fingers with a razor knife, or breaking a pipe inside a wall! With all this work and no disaster, I'm certain Hell has to have frozen over. I mean, I've used up nine lives worth of good luck in a two-day span. I haven't checked my astrological chart, but maybe my house, the planets, and all the other space junk out there are in some kind of once-in-a-millenium alignment (that would explain the White Sox winning the World Series, and Garth Brooks being in those Wal-Mart commercials).
Just to play it safe, I'm sitting in front of the computer with an aluminum foil hat on my head, a 4-leaf clover in my hand, and a St Christopher medal around my neck. These days, ya just can't be too careful!

Mmmmm.......Power Tools!!!

Over the last few months, I've accumulated a lot of new power tools. To wit, a 10-inch table saw, compound power miter saw, reciprocating saw, and now a combination fixed/plunge router (all Crafstman, of course). With my company's shutdown for the holidays, I've had the time to actually play around with them, and they are even more fun than I had previously thought. Using a 3000-rpm power saw to rip lumber is a feast for the male ego and an assault on said male's hearing (note--next time wear hearing protectors! PS to Jenny--I did remember my safety glasses a la' Norm Abrams).
The only limitations I still face are paying for quality wood and the cost of router bits. Apparently, there are 50 million router bits on the market, and you have to have every one to be a real woodworker. High-quality lumber is so expensive I'm going to take up part-time lumberjacking to secure wood at a reasonable price (look out, Earth-Firsters!)
I guess it could be worse. I could be into golf and spend all my money on bright yellow pants and tweed socks!

White Christmas

I woke up about 4 a.m. on Christmas morn 2005 to a bedroom lit up like the airport. During the night, the rain from Christmas Eve had changed over to snow, and there was enough of the white stuff to cover the ground and reflect the ten-thousand Xmas lights on our street. It was the perfect snowstorm--just enough to blanket the grassy areas without turning the sidewalks, driveways, and streets into a skating rink.
It reminded me of the year my wife and son and I went looking for the proper Christmas Tree on a snowy weekday evening. We sorted through the rows of potential purchases as Bing Crosby crooned "White Christmas" through speakers strung above the tree lot. The specimen we picked out was covered with snow, at least until I hoisted it up to load in the bed of my truck. At that moment, I got my first taste of what an avalanche feels like. As we drove home, with the now melting snowpile on my head running down my neck and soaking my t-shirt, I realized why people move to warmer climes!
Not every St. Louis Winter is cold. One Christmas Eve, we enjoyed lunch at Red Lobster, saw the movie "E.T." and then returned home to open presents on a balmy 70-degree evening.
On the flip side, in 1983 it was below zero every day for a week, and we had to thaw our tree before we could get the branches to relax so we could add lights and ornaments.
I wonder how hard it is to string lights on a palm tree?

Merry Christmas!!!

Here's hoping that everyone in the blogosphere has a very Merrry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, and a prosperous New Year. As a public service, here are a few hints to make your holiday season a memorable one:

--When leaving snacks for Santa, shy away from the traditional glass of milk. Doctors at North Pole Regional Medical Center report that the Jolly Old Elf's cholesterol is "through the roof", and suggest herbal tea or diet Dr Pepper as a more appropriate beverage for a hundred-something senior with a body-mass-index in the high 30s.

--Mrs Claus asks that homeowners disable their cable/satellite tv boxes so Santa won't be distracted on his big night. She recounted a harrowing tale from a few years back when a suburban Chicago man inadvertantly left the Playboy Channel on the tube and Father Christmas came home four times that evening to badger his harried bride for "holiday cheer"! Needless to say, he almost didn't finish all his deliveries due to the time-consuming tomfoolery.

--Make sure that everyone in the house knows whether the Christmas Tree is real or artificial. Forgetting to water a real tree, or watering a fake, can have disastrous consequences, especially if the artificial tree has built-in electronics.

--Drink holiday spirits in moderation. Remember that different brands of egg-nog can have varying amounts of egg and nog. Christmas morning is a lot more enjoyable if your head is NOT suspended above a toilet bowl or stuck in a lampshade!

--Don't forget pets in your holiday planning. Santa still has scars from attacks by unmuzzled pit bulls and free-ranging chinchillas. Maybe it's the red suit, but the old guy really seems to set off the wildlife.

--Finally, don't give away every dollar you've earned during the holdays. That's what April 15 is for! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!

Santa Claus a High-Tech Spy?

Reliable news sources are reporting that the Bush Administration secretly recruited Pere Noel to assist the US government in spying on suspected terrorists following the September 11 attacks. A spokesperson for Jolly Old Saint Nick confirmed Santa was cooperating with federal authorities, but insisted he had only turned over the "naughty" list to authorities. In a related development characterized as "chilling" by civil libertarians, the FBI announced it would vigorously pursue those individuals receiving lumps of coal this holiday season.

Patriot Act Stalled

Senate Democrats, aided and abetted by RINOs (Republicans-In-Name-Only) have voted against extending the Patriot Act. Fearful that President George W. Bush may actually be succeeding at fighting terrorists, these idiotic politicians have come down on the side of Islamofascists and their financial supporters rather than on the side of the American people.
US Armed Forces are winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, democratic elections have taken place in both countries, and liberals can't stand it. To the hate-America crowd, the thought of a Western victory over the forces of darkness is too horrible to consider. Just imagine what kind of world we'd be living in if we hadn't abandoned South Vietnam to the North Vietnamese Communists. Maybe we'd have been seen as such a bully that no one would have ever dared attack us again! Oh the horror!!
Most of the provisions of the Patriot Act are modeled after similar legislation used to combat organized crime syndicates. Contrary to the lies being peddled by the Left, judges must OK surveillance, and members of Congressional intelligence committees were advised of actions taken by the Administration. According to Senator John Kyl (R, Arizona), post-9/11 surveillence centered on telephone communications between Al Queda members in the Middle East and suspects inside the United States. Attorney General John Ashcroft never checked to see what books Barbra Streisand checked out of the Beverly Hills Library! He was too busy trying to prevent a repeat of September 11 and finding those responsible for the anthrax attacks (Have you forgotten so soon?).
Maybe these kooky politicians could try spewing their venom at the nuts that are trying to convert the world to their twisted ideology by slaughtering children and incinerating innocent people with jet fuel instead of slandering our Commander-in-Chief during a time of war.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*In the true spirit of Christmas, St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke has excommunicated several board members of St. Stanislaus Catholic Church, along with a priest who came to the parish to minister to the members. "St Stans" parishioners have been in a dispute with Burke over control of the church's property and financial holdings for some time. The Archdiocese demands that the parish hand over its assets and submit to the Archbishop. The members are fearful that in doing so, they will sign the death warrant for the beloved church they have worked so hard to preserve.
Strangely enough, Burke has ignored the concerns of St Louis-area Catholics regarding the priest sex abuse scandal, and I doubt very much whether he will soon be excommunicating Catholic politicians who are avid supporters of abortion-on-demand. Better to pick on the faithful whose only crime has been saving a beautiful old house of worship from the auction block/wrecking ball.
Memo to Archbishop Burke: What would Jesus do?

*The national press is all in a twitter over reports that the Bush Administration surveilled possible terror suspects without first obtaining warrants in the months immediately following Septemeber 11, 2001. Democrats, like Seanator "Depends" Leahy of Vermont (also home to professional nutter Howard Dean), howl that they are "outraged" by this 'violation' of the Constitution.
Looking at the facts, however, one can draw a different conclusion. Members of the Senate Intelligence Committee, including Dem Jay Rockefeller, had been advised of the surveillence, and a judge assigned to the intelligence agencies was also in the loop. The New York Times reporter who wrote the story said he had been asked by officials in the Administration to delay publishing the story to prevent alerting terrorists, but had finally decided he had to come forward. Turns out he has a book being released in the near future and apparently felt profit was more important than national security. These are the same folks who would flay the President unmercifully if another 9/11-type attack (or worse) took place.

*Old Busch Stadium, former home of the St. Louis Cardinals (baseball AND football!), Rams, and soccer Stars, is no more. The last section fell to the wrecking ball in the wee hours of a cold Midwestern morning. Next Spring, the Redbirds will open a brand-new shrine just across the street from the old ballyard. Here's to many more pennants, a World Series or two, or three, or four, and a million memories from across the street. The king is dead...long live the king!!

*The St Louis Blues announced they have a potential buyer--a financial holdings group that has mentioned the possibility of bringing in former Bluenote great Garry Unger as part of the mangement team. Here's hoping the deal gets done and the rebuilding of the franchise begins.

*I'm in a bit of a quandry. I purchased a tree to put up in the house, but don't know if I bought a Christmas Tree or a holiday tree. The guy at the tree lot was too busy trying to stay warm to talk about it, and none of my neighbors has a clue. I guess I'll just put it up, decorate it, and hope for the best. If Santa doesn't come by, I'll just have to pin my hopes on Kwanzaa.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*I read an interesting take on the stem cell debate today. In her latest book, How to Talk to a Liberal, conservative pundit Ann Coulter questions the need for taxpayer support of stem cell research if the potential rewards are so great.
Bans on embryonic stem cells only prohibit the spending of public money on research. If the claimed benefits of curing everything from alzheimers to cancer are so possible, why isn't research drawing in all types of private funding? Can you imagine the profit to be made on a cure for dread diseases or disabilities? Or are proponents overselling the potential in order to get their hands on the billions of taxpayer-supplied dollars government-supplied funding would provide?

*The St. Louis Rams lost to the Washington Redski...Oooops, I meant Native Americans, 24-9 on Sunday, ending their slim hopes for a playoff spot. Oh well, at least we'll get a higher pick in the draft next Spring.

*There are only 18 shopping days left 'til Christma---Ooops, I meant the Winter Holiday. Oh the heck with it----MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

*Former US Attorney General Ramsey Clark is representing Saddam Hussein in his trial for crimes against the Iraqi people. Clark will insist his client never had sex with "those women...the one's in the rape rooms", and trot out dozens of former Baathist officials to swear they believe their President.

*Why do I always come down with a cold/virus/flu/lyme disease right before a holiday?

*Rumor has it that Santa has a new helper to assist him on Christmas Eve. The newest North Politan is a Golden Retriever named Elfis who brings treats and toys to all the good little animals. It is reported that Elfis loves cookies as much as Jolly St. Nick, but would prefer Coca-Cola to milk since moo-juice gives him gas. Elfis leaves his calling card by marking all the presents under the tree (No, not that! He leaves sticky notes with his name on them). He also pees on everything (with apologies to the comic strip "Get Fuzzy" for lifting their stuff!).

More Kudos for Kurt!

The National Football League has named Kurt Warner National Football Conference Player of the Week for his performance in a 38-28 victory over the St. Louis Rams. His lifetime quarterback rating at the Edwards Jones Dome is now the highest for any player at any stadium in NFL history.

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

* Three cheers for QB Kurt Warner for leading the Arizona Cardinals to a 38-28 victory over the St. Louis Rams at the Edward Jones Dome on November 20. #13 completed 27 of 39 passes for 285 yards and 3 touchdowns as he returned to the town he put on the football map with 2 Super Bowl appearances, a World Championship, and 2 MVP awards. In spite of being treated shamefully by the Rams organization, Kurt remained the class act he is and only said good things about his former team. Best wishes to the Warner family. We still love you in St. Louis.

*What a pain it has to be to work in retail these days. Not only do you have to put up with low pay, long hours, and crabby customers, you also have to get up at the crack of dawn the day after Thanksgiving to be on station at 5 a.m. when the stores reopen after the holiday! To add insult to injury, some places (e.g. K-mart) were open on Turkey Day. I'm guessing the big shots at Sears Holdings (the parent company) weren't at their desks catching up on paperwork.

*Watched an AKC dog show on TV yesterday to pass the time between helpings of turkey. I saw breeds of dog I never heard of before (a bearded collie?), and some pretty silly-looking examples of the canine species. The Best-of-Show winner was a Bull Terrier that was about the ugliest mutt I ever saw. Instead of picking a cool dog like a lab or retriever, the final group came down to a pit bull. Maybe the American Kennel Club is trying to polish the Bull's image, but come on! If you're into this sort of thing, you can catch the results at www.dogshowusa.com

*I'm trying to get into a new hobby: woodworking. I've bought a table saw and compound power miter saw so far, and from what I've been reading, I only need to spend about $10,000,000 more to be ready to go. I started pricing wood as well, and unless you're able to mill the trees in your yard or driftwood you find along the river, the materials will cost and arm and a leg as well. No wonder homeless people have to settle for cardboard!

*Old Busch Stadium is only about 1/3 still standing as demolition continues to make way for the new St. Louis ballpark. Last night's local news showed lots of people stopping by in sub-freezing temperatures to get one last picture of the old shrine. At least they've got their priorities straight and know what's really important.

*My wife and I went shopping on Wednesday evening (Thanksgiving Eve), and on the drive home had a close encounter with both a deer and a possum. Luckily, I was driving the Mighty Merc at about 30 mph and didn't hit either animal, but it was quite a surprise. I've seen plenty of possums in North St. Louis County over the years, and several deer, but this was almost inside a subdivision called Ville Maria. The development that's going on all around the area is apparently really infringing on wildlife, and I hope the critters don't all end up as hood ornaments.

*All I want for Christmas is a 2 HP, 1/2 and 1/4 inch collet router, a router table, a matching plunge router, a supply of straight and blemish free hardwood, and a Norm Abrams-clone to show me how to properly use them (don't forget safety glasses and hearing protection!). Oh yeah, and to still have 10 fingers when I'm finished working with all those spinnig bits and saw blades!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

This weeks Rants, etc, etc, is being published on Friday rather than Saturday because I have to work tomorrow morning. (Boo!)

*How come the Democrats are OK with Zarqawi and Al Queda winning in Iraq but are unhappy with the United States winning? Probably preoccupied with the threat Judge Alito poses to the employment of all those abortion providers out there. After all, first things first!

*The St. Louis Blues broke an 11-game losing streak with a victory over Columbus last night. Unfortunately, it was the PeeWee League team in Columbus that the BlueNote beat up on! (Just kidding, just kidding)

*The Arizona Cardinals come to the Jones Dome in St. Louis this Sunday to play the Rams. I know the Big Red are bad, but the sight of that white helmet with the "ornery bird" on it brings back a lot of gridiron memories, most of them painful. I even have a set of drinking glasses with the Cardinals logo on them that date back to the 1960s. Man, talk about a glutton for punishment.

*Bought a new Craftsman reciprocating saw from Sears that can cut through just about anything. One note of caution: make sure what you're demolishing isn't a load-bearing wall!

*St. Louis is working hard to get a new bridge built across the Mississippi River connecting the Gateway City to the nudie bars on the East Side (Illinois). Who says the movers and shakers (bad pun) in this town aren't civic-minded?

*Is there a chinchilla doctor in the house? Seriously.

Bush Hits Back, Democrats Scream!

After too many months of silence, President Bush finally came out swinging against Democrats attacking the liberation of Iraq. In spite of past pronouncements of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein, former Clintonistas and Senate liberals have now seized on Iraq as their majic carpet back into power.
The Dick Turbans of the world want to rewrite history in order to claim that the intelligence that led the Bush Administration to remove Saddam in 2003 is somehow different than the material that allowed Bill Clinton to launch missile and bomber strikes against Iraq and that pushed Congress to pass the "Regime Change in Iraq" resolution in the late 1990s. Unfortunately for the Democrats and their accomplices in the media, conservatives on Talk Radio and in the blogosphere aren't so willing to go along.
To be sure, the Iraq War has been costly and difficult, but the sight of Senate Minority Leader "Dingy" Harry Reid and Ted "the Swimmer" Kennedy proclaiming that the President of the United States sent American troops to "die for a lie" is downright treasonous. These anti-American political hacks and their co-conspirators from the looney Left are willing to sacrifice US troops in order to defeat George W Bush politically. Since they failed to beat 'W' at the polls, and fear still greater defeats from a realigned Supreme Court, the Left-wing fringe is going all-out to destroy the President by attacking him in the most disgraceful manner possible. It's a safe bet that Al-Jazeera is gleefully spreading this poison around the Middle East.
Hopefully, President Bush and VP Cheney will continue to counter the distortions of the Democrats and promote the growth of representative government across the Middle East. More importantly, our soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines need to hear from their civilian leadership that they are fully supported by every resource the nation can muster, and that they are admired and appreciated for the tremendous job they are doing in the most trying circumstances.

Albert the Great--MVP!

Congratulations to Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols on being named the 2005 National League Most Valuable Player. After finishing second twice before to Barry Bonds (Boo!), the voters finally came to their senses and recognized the best player in the League. Hopefully, Albert will get a World Series ring in the not-too-distant future, along with a Gold Glove, to round out his trophy case. If the rest of his career is anything like the first few years, he's gonna need a bigger place to house all those awards!

Weekly Rants, Raves, and Whatever

*Democratic Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada wants another investigation into pre-Iraq War intelligence in order to embarass President George W Bush. "Dingey Harry" and the rest of the Congressional Leftists think it more important to score propaganda points on the political scene than it is to prosecute the War on Terror. The "Bush lied, people died" cliche is disingenuous considering the fact that the Left's poster boy, Bill Clinton, made the exact same charges against Saddam Hussein in the late 1990's. If not for the diversion caused by the Lewinsky scandal, the US was prepared to take out the Iraqi dictator long before Hillary looted the White House on her way out the back door.

*Speaking of misguided thinking, Republicans aren't immune from moments of lunacy either. John McCain and Lindsey Graham, GOP members of the Senate, are stumping for new laws to protect the legal rights of terrorists. Deftly rewriting the Geneva Conventions, these fellow travelers want to apply the rules of conventional war to those who wear no country's uniform, murder innocent civilians, including children, without hesitation, and vow to destroy Western Civilization in the name of God! Maybe these guardians of the "rights" of Islamofascists should be forced to issue their bleatings from Ground Zero in New York, the Pentagon, or the field in Shanksville, PA, where Todd Beamer and the other passengers of Flight 93's fight against terrorism ended on 9/11.

*Thanks to the St. Louis County government for mailing out property tax bills with a hefty increase. Some years back, homebuyers complained that they were being unfairly burdened with higher property taxes than those existing residents who had purchased their homes years earlier at far lower prices (Thanks to Jimmy Carter and the double-digit inflation of the late 1970s). True to their reptilian nature, local politicians agreed, and the result was a system of re-assessing all property every two years and adjusting (read:increase) taxes accordingly. Notice the true nature of this "solution": New homebuyers didn't get any relief from their tax burden, the politicos simply raised everyone else's taxes. Since home values have jumped sharply in recent years, so have tax bills.
In answer to the outraged voices of County residents, County Executive Charlie Dooley, in true statesman-like fashion, has refused to even consider reducing tax rates. Meanwhile, homeowners are selling their houses and fleeing across the Missouri River into St Charles County, where no doubt a different group of "public servants" will find ever more ingenious ways of separating citizens from their hard-earned paychecks.

*On a lighter note, the St Louis Rams, under interim head coach Joe Vitt, defeated the heavily-favored Jacksonville Jaguars last Sunday. Even though the Male Sheep had every reason to be distracted by the number of offensive stars out with injuries and the medical leave of Head Coach Mike Martz, the Lambs played with a lot of emotion and an inspired defense that was minus its starting Defensive End. Enjoy the bye week guys. You've earned it!

*You can now buy a new, steel,1969 Camaro convertible body and frame from a GM-authorized manufacturer, and a '68 Mustang Fastback is rumored to be in the works. What an awesome opportunity for those of us living in the Rust Belt! Will this inspire an entire series of classic musclecars from the 1960s? I sure hope so. To learn more, see the December 2005 issue of Hot Rod Magazine.

Vehicle Inspection--Your Tax Dollars at Waste

I went though the ritual of having my 2001 Mercury Marquis emissions tested today. In St. Louis, part of the license renewal process is a smog test at a privately run, state-mandated emissions station. The fee is $24, and if you pass, you breathe a sigh of relief that the bi-annual ordeal is finally over. Of course, you're lighter in the wallet, but the whole process is such a hassle that most folks are just happy to get it over and done with.
1996 and newer cars hook into a computer at the station that verifies the car's emissions controls are working properly. If not, you have to go to a state-approved repair facility and hand over your life savings to either fix the problem or get a waiver if the vehicle's beyond repairing to compliance. Older vehicles roll onto a dyno where the "technician" hooks an exhaust analyzer to the exhaust system and runs the vehicle through a "drive cycle". In reality, it sounds like they're trying to blow up the motor by continuously revving the engine to it's rpm limit!
The Missouri Legislature has tried to eliminate this boondoggle several times, but our most enlightened (read: bribed) public servants derail these efforts each year in the name of clean air. The privately-held stations are guaranteed cash cows for connected individuals, and we all know what politicians will do for money.
And I thought that only happened to you when you bought the car!

Halloween Rainout

It rained in St. Louis on Halloween. It hasn't rained much all year, but it rained on Halloween. St. Louis is in the midst of a drought, but it rained all day and most of the night. We had 26 brave tykes and their parents show up in spite of the gloomy weather, but the soaking definitely put a damper (sorry for the pun) on the festivities.
I suppose it could have been much worse. The trick-or-treaters were all well-behaved, and we had plenty of candy to last the evening. Sometimes in the past, we'd be down to handing out change and chewing gum. The only downside is that all that chocolate around the house draws me like a nail to a magnet. I guess we could always buy less candy, but then all those varieties strewn across the stores' shelves would be left homeless, and my selection of leftovers would include things like candy corn and Sweet Tarts.
Think I'll just stick with gluttony.